20 September 2002
7 Habits of Highly Effective Families
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Book Review; Guest Writer.
GUEST WRITER: Celine Leslie
Some readers may recognise the author from his previous book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. This highly acclaimed and well-received management book contains in-depth insights into keys for more effective living. Although it was written primarily as a management tool, the principles outlined are applicable to people from all walks of life. In fact, most of Covey’s examples are from real-life family situations. It is therefore no surprise that he follows up with another gem of a book, this time directed specifically at family living.
Using the same seven habits of his first book, but applied to family life, Covey has created an inspiring, challenging and highly readable practical manual for developing and maintaining “highly effective” family living. While the definition of “highly effective” is not pursued rigorously, it is taken for granted that most of us, Christian or otherwise, desire strong, healthy, family relationships. Whether we live in a healthy family atmosphere or not, we instinctively know that the really important things in life at the end of the day have to do with building and maintaining lasting, strong, fruitful family ties. The book does not assume the background of the reader and applies even to singles who have not started their own family but wish to apply these principles to their adult family situations.
Each chapter is filled with real-life examples, many of them Covey’s own. He is down-to-earth and honest, never presenting the picture of that “out-of-reach” perfect family. His language is practical and sometimes humorous, almost always inspiring. His ability to “peel” and explore the depths of the principles (which at first glance, are obvious and indisputable), suggesting applications in diverse situations, is outstanding. At the end of each chapter, there are study questions for discussion with family members, with a section for those with young children.
While the market is saturated with books to help families, I don’t think I have come across a more readable, digestible, practical and challenging book that addresses many core issues of family living. Covey does not take an overtly Christian viewpoint, although he makes it clear that he is personally guided by spiritual principles. It is not obvious from his writings that he is a Mormon, but I don’t find anything objectionable in his book.
5 April 2001
Rebel Parents
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting; Values.
How many times have you heard parents ask, “Where do you find the patience to teach your own children?” It is a question that usually arises after an admission by these same parents that they could never homeschool since they lack the necessary patience quotient. Some people have it, others don’t. Period. How do you manage staying in with these kids all day, anyway? Off to a learning center then, my darlings.
Parenting flows from the heart
Once a well-known columnist in a local paper wrote to me that parenting is something that flows from the heart; unless one loved children, parenting would be a horrible burden. How ‘lucky’ our kids to have parents who are not denying them their childhood. Her words echo those of a Christian leader who advised against being dogmatic about career mothers, since there are indeed women who just couldn’t cope otherwise. As observations go, you can’t fault that I suppose.
Not being a prickly pedant myself (besides being a man), I’ll say to each her own. After all what merit is there in a stay-in mother (or father) who’s either indulgent or indifferent, or worst, who’s both? Perhaps I’m trying too hard to be inclusive, but didn’t Paul say that while one man eats everything and another only vegetables, our heavenly Father accepts them both?
A few years ago at a talk on alternative education, a father came up to me and asked if homeschooling could reform his teenager. A hulking 14-year old and perpetual truant, he had defied instruction, discipline and authority at home and school. I didn’t know what to say except to caution that homeschool doesn’t do anything unless a child respects his parent’s authority first. That means working on discipline before academics.
Compare that with a mother whose 14-year old is presently enrolled in a learning center. She had been doing poorly in conventional schools leaving the flustered Mom to turn to a center that promised low teacher-student ratio and a more interesting English-based curriculum. Now, the daughter’s not doing so good there too. Mom doesn’t have the time, and confessed that she didn’t have the patience either to relate with her. So could we arrange for her daughter to interact with other homeschooling teens so she could pick up better habits?
I wish there was a magic wand to miraculously turn the hearts of children to their parents. You know, wave it, intone the magic words “h-o-m-e-s-c-h-o-o-l,” and viola! you’re on the cover of “Teaching Home.” Oh, did I use the wrong words? How about, “l-e-a-r-n-i-n-g c-e-n-t-r-e” ?
Personal investments for a happy home
The age of instant noodles and high-speed bandwidth connections has apparently given rise to the notion that parenting is a formula or system one can purchase off the shelf. Don’t have the right stuff? Get one that fits, pay someone to do it and praise God for small mercies. Sorry. As they say, no pain, no gain. The natural response may be to balk at the personal investment required to raise kids, but Scripture doesn’t soft-peddle God’s injunctions for happy homes.
Children come packaged and labeled with a divine RDA: 100% Love, 100% Patience, 100% Attention. Okay, I may be pushing the analogy a wee bit, but you get my drift: some things are non-negotiable. Parents have to obey His word, make the time, live exemplary lives, align our desires and ambitions with God’s will for our families. Deuteronomy 6 describes a parent’s job as a moment-by-moment responsibility, while in Ephesians 6, fathers are called not to exasperate their children but to instruct them in the Lord. There is no shortcut key. Imagine husband who desires a happy marriage but admits he doesn’t have time for his wife or the patience to make it work! It doesn’t get easier with children, homeschooling or not.
So Mom stays home and rules the roost as homemaker, homeschool teacher and all. But an absentee father, busy with work, church, or golf with neither inclination nor interest in his children’s affairs isn’t doing his family any favour. Recently we were shown a birthday card designed by a child for his father. Beautifully done on the computer with quotations and cartoons, it was a touching tribute from a son to a golf-loving Dad who by all accounts was a devoted parent and loving provider. Turning to the last page however I read, “Even if you don’t spend time with me, even though you’re too busy to remember my birthday, I still think you’re the best daddy in the world!” I put the card down, momentarily jarred by the irony of it all, thinking to myself how children are so wonderfully accepting.
Parents as rebels
Neil Postman in his new book Building A Bridge To The 18th Century writes that parenting is an act of rebellion. By that he means that parents must choose to go against the grain of our age. If we care for the lives of our children, we must rebel against these callous times, in much the same way husbands and wives pledge faithfulness in our throwaway culture, in opposition to a lifestyle of instant gratification. Why God doesn’t simply zap us into shape, make us great parents, turn toady kids into handsome princes and beautiful princesses (with a hasty S.O.S prayer) is anybody’s guess.
That an astute social critic should be so emphatic about the responsibility of parents embarrasses Christians who possess God’s word but dodge its demands. Perhaps the teaching of easy triumphalism has lulled us into forgetting that Jesus’ path to glory took him down the road to Calvary first. Homeschool is no genie-in-a-bottle promising compliant sons and daughters; education is not a set curriculum or teaching methodology. The way to healthy, godly children starts with a relationship, beginning with our own with God, and then with our young.
As we approach Palm Sunday, let our hosannas ring with humble appreciation for the price our heavenly Father paid to restore fellowship with us, His prodigal sons and daughters. Now, there’s an example too big to miss. We’re on a journey of a lifetime; the is not always clear, but the sun never fails to break through. Breezes blow, invigorating and hopeful. How good it is to have the Lord with us.
7 March 2001
Which is better?
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Alternative education.
A few days ago a lady called about our upcoming homeschool convention. Well, that was rather curious as neither poster nor registration form was out yet. But what was curiouser was her asking if the convention had anything to do with a certain ‘homeschool center’. “What’s the difference, and which is better?” she asked. Now, that’s a loaded question! I replied that we were not part of any learning center, as parents who actually homeschool and educate their children themselves at home.
The misappropriation of the term ‘homeschool’ is unfortunate. Short of getting involved in a semantic dispute, I explained that parents who teach their children at home are convinced that’s what God’s wants them to do. There is a place for learning centers I’m sure: parents who are uncomfortable with regular schools, or are not ready to do the job themselves may send their children there.
So which one is better, learning centers or homeschool?
To begin with, I think that’s probably the wrong question to ask. The right one is, what does God want me to do? It’s a personal conviction. As a homeschooling parent I think the Old Testament provides sufficient discourse on the importance of educating one’s own children while the New Testament supplies urgent reasons for it.
For instance, 2 Timothy 3:4-7 warns against behaviour to avoid in the last days. Notice how these words mirror our present godless times? Perched on the slippery slopes of the 21st century, faced with the dangers of compromise and corruption, how should we then live? What kind of children do we want to raise? I take comfort in v14 –15 where Paul commends Timothy who “from infancy” learned Scripture which is able to equip a person for righteousness – as long as he or she continues in it. Timothy also enjoyed godly familial nurture that undoubtedly prepared him for the Lord’s service.
In our day, an environment that gives families a better chance at instilling Biblical values intentionally and systematically can be realised through homeschool. If there is a better way, I don’t know it. What’s ‘better’ is never the last word. Contenders abound and tomorrow brings more and better offerings. So as for my family, we’ll stick with homeschool. It’s done us a world of good.
10 July 2000
What really counts ultimately
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Guest Writer; Values.
GUEST WRITER: EVELYN SEOW
I don’t believe it! My first-born is graduating from homeschool after all these years of walking by faith. For years, I was concerned whether I was teaching her enough and if she was up to standard. The piles of reference books, tapes, videos, curricula, tests, fears & tears are now but a memory. And of course there were those agonizing days when I fell on my knees and prayed, “Dear Lord please show me how to guide & teach my children correctly. Reveal to me the best educational methods, curriculum, and books. HELP!”
It’s year 2000 now, and I wonder why my confidence in homeschooling was so shaky. As Prisca is packing to leave for the US, tears are just welling in my eyes. Oh how I wish I had more time with her. It seemed like yesterday when I cradled her in my arms and prayed that she would grow up to be a mighty woman of God and a nation changer, touching multitudes with her life.
The time has come to release her, and God is reminding me that her life belongs to Him. He has opened wide the door for her to go to Oral Roberts University in the United States and has blessed her with more scholarships than we could ever imagine. Although I no longer worry or doubt if it is God’s will for her to go in this direction, I constantly wonder whether I have prepared her well enough. At least I know I did give her my very best!
Well, I want to share from my heart what I have learnt through my homeschooling journey. First of all, we need to understand that God has placed specific gifts in our children. We just need to discover their talents and develop them for His kingdom. Encourage them to excel in them, even though they may not seem very promising. The more we go against the way God has made our children, the more we place unnecessary burdens upon ourselves. Worse still, we discourage our kids and indirectly hinder them from reaching their full potential.
I must admit I was guilty of stifling one of Prisca’s God-given talents. When she was in Grade 5, I was really worried about her unusual way of journaling. Instead of writing, she would draw cartoon strips in them. They were cute and funny, but after consulting with several Education professors, I resolved to put a stop to her childish work and demanded that she communicated her thoughts in writing. Wasn’t I harsh? Seven years later, I realise how I missed my opportunity to capitalise on that talent. When she applied for her academic scholarship, she was required to submit a project. You guessed it: her project was a complete book of cartoons! The scholarship board especially loved the cartoons and awarded her the Regent Scholarship and a couple others as well.
Below are several pointers which I hope will be beneficial to you in your own homeschool journey.
1) Love:
Use every opportunity to show love to your children, both physically and emotionally. We often forget that they won’t be under our parental care for long. If it were possible, I would want to go back to the many occasions when I should have hugged Prisca. I used to think that she had outgrown demonstrations of physical affection and was too matured to be cuddled. Not true!
2) Discipline:
Discipline your children out of love and never out of anger. I know that it is all too easy to get worked up and frustrated, but this can be avoided if we see beyond the natural and look at the big picture of our children’s lives. Many a time we try to mould our children into what we want them to be. Instead, we ought to understand theirunique personalities, temperaments, learning styles, and special talents.
3) Discipleship:
The main reason why we homeschooled was because we wanted to disciple and mentor our girls on a daily basis. We currently apportion an hour and a half of our morning for Bible study and family devotions. We do not use any Bible study materials – we merely read straight from the Word and expound on it. We also spend ten minutes journaling what God has spoken to us. This has not only sharpened the girls’ writing and thinking skills, but it has also caused them to grow spiritually. You’ll be amazed at the profound insights your children can come up with when they are made to write.
In addition, my girls have to memorise the Psalms and recite them verbatim to me. We have almost finished the entire book. If only we had been more diligent, we might have finished memorising the entire New Testament. You might want to try that!
4) Academics:
There are so many curricula on the market nowadays. It is so easy to get overwhelmed and confused. Every curriculum claims to be the best and you feel like you’re lost at sea. I faced that problem too. Prisca was the “curriculum” guinea pig in our family. Well, we all do make mistakes. The important thing is to find what works for your child and then stick to it. Your friends will offer various advice, but don’t get swayed! Do remember to keep all career options open as most children are too young to know what they really want to do.
5) Keeping Records:
If you are considering the option of sending your child to university, it is essential to keep records of basically everything. Most US universities require the minimum of Grade 9-12 transcripts, but they also look out for other extracurricular records and certificates in your portfolio, especially if you are a homeschooler. When Prisca applied for her scholarship, she realised how invaluable all the photos of her activities, travels, mission trips and ministry work were. She was also very thankful that she had kept her records properly and dated and filed her work in a systematic way.
Though, homeschooling is challenging, it has also been fulfilling. Despite all my shortcomings, God remained faithful. A few weeks ago, I got my daughters to share a little something as an introduction to my Sunday sermon. After the service, a youth came up to me and said, “Aunty Evelyn, we don’t laugh at homeschooling any more. In the past, we all did.” Sounds familiar?
About the writer: Ex-Malaysians Evelyn and her husband Roland are pioneer pastors of a church in Melbourne, Australia.