20 July 2011
Another shot at school reform
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Book Review.
A lot of discussion regarding the state of education in the country tend to focus inordinately on systems, curricula, methods, standardized tests, teacher training, etc – which is well and good if we’re talking about trying to prop up an institution. Hence pronouncements like the one recently made by our DPM and Education Minister Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin. A massive overhaul is in the works we’re told, aimed at promoting a global mindset: “We need to review the entire system in line with the changing times to promote world-class thinking and in-depth learning,” he said.
Reading what the DPM also said – “(S)ome people are also not aware of where our education system is heading, as we have the national system, the vernacular schools and international schools” - I feel a sense of dread at what’s implicit in that off-the-cuff statement. Pity the school kids (and their family) who’ll have to put up with all these too frequent and painful revamps.
I’ve been reading a book called Beyond the Classroom by Dr Laurence Steinberg which examines the results of an extensive research on American education conducted over a period of ten years. 20,000 teenagers from nine high schools were surveyed and hundreds of parents and dozens of their teachers and school administrators were interviewed. Although the book came out in 1996, I suspect most of the findings are just as valid today. Indeed there’s much that speaks to our bog standard Malaysian education, and why an overhaul however well-intentioned, may not be enough.
A single article won’t do it justice so I am planning a couple of posts in the coming days. But if you want an elevator pitch of the book, its subhead says it all: Why school reform has failed and what parents need to do.
Surveying the numerous studies and attempts at reforms in the US, Dr Steinberg has this to say:
“Our findings suggest that the sorry state of American student achievement is due more to the conditions of students’ lives outside of school than it is to what takes place within school walls. In my view, the failure of the school reform movement to reverse the decline in achievement is due to its emphasis on reforming schools and classrooms, and its general disregard of the contributing forces that, while outside the boundaries of the school, are probably more influential.”
In short, school reform is not the solution. Dr Steinberg is not suggesting that schools should be abandoned; he believes we’re spending money fixing the wrong things and overlooking the one place that matters most, which is the home. Not a forehead slapping revelation, I know. Note that the book isn’t at all about homeschooling and neither does it advocate homeschooling in the least. But you can guess why such a book appeals to the homeschooling advocate in me.
For sure, the book has its detractors and some reviewers say the author isn’t saying anything new. Nevertheless, if schools have lost the plot and if attempts at reform are destined to fail, an education at home is a no-brainer and a perfectly viable option for our kids. Now if the thought of homeschooling your own children scares you, imagine entrusting your children into the hands of our Education Minister Tan Sri Muhyiddin.
21 December 2010
What does a homeschool dad do? Pt 2
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting.
Well, dad can teach – “a wee bit” – says then nine-year old Ethan.
In case you missed Ethan’s first installment on homeschooling dads, read the previous post. He concludes his 15-point homeschool dad write-up with points 9 – 15. It’s interesting to look back at how children observe and interpret what’s happening around them. Tells you how much they’re picking up cues and signals about what’s important in the family.
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Point 9: Dads can help teach, a wee bit.
Example: If his children ask him a question, he can answer. So they learn, in a way……..(by asking questions of course!)
Point 10: Dads can (or always) help support their family.
Example: This point is very useful, too. When mom’s not working, dad can go to work to earn a living for everyone. Because, without dad working, the whole family would have no money to buy food and pay taxes and the water bill, etc…
Point 11: Dads can say, “this is the limit.”
Example: This is what happened to me and Elliot, last time we could play computer anytime we wanted! But then, slowly dad controlled our computer time. And then later, he said, “No more paper aeroplanes from now on” because we were throwing it everywhere and leaving it where it was.
Point 12: Dads can buy toys for his children.
Example: Dads can do that. But he must not always buy what they want everytime! (‘cause he would go bankcrapt!)
Point 13: Dads can pray with them.
Example: When someone is sick, dads can pray with the children to heal that sick someone.
Point 14: Dads can encourage.
Example: When everyone’s playing a game, and someone is losing, dad can encourage them by saying, “don’t give up,” or, “maybe you will win,” and, “you did better!”
Point 15: Dads can love their own children!
Example: This is what most dads in homeschooling are like. They show they love their children by not sending them to school. Because if dads send their children to school they learn from their friends and teachers only, but dad said, “I don’t want to send you guys to school because we (mom and dad) want you to learn about God as well.”
3 May 2010
Rethinking teenage rebellion
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting.
WE HAVE ALL DONE STUPID THINGS AS TEENAGERS, some downright foolhardy, others out of sheer defiance. But I doubt anyone would recommend this phase of socialization as a necessary rite of passage. Sure it’s ‘part of growing up’ as they say. A lot of us got away unscathed, perhaps with nothing but a slap on the wrist or an afternoon in detention class to show for it. The recklessness of youth may elicit a hoot when adults get misty-eyed and wax nostalgic.
But 14-year old Aminulrasyid Amzah won’t have such good ol’ days to reminisce over.
In the early hours of Monday 29 April, the teenager was shot dead by the police after he ignored orders to stop the car he was driving. Nearly 20 shots were fired, said a news report, and one hit Aminulrasyid in the head killing him instantly.
The family is devastated. Yes, the boy had sneaked out in his sister’s car and he did not have a driving license. He was not only underage, he was out on the streets way past bed time for an early teen. There is no question that the boy had broken the law, but nothing he did demanded the police to shoot to kill.
Yet while the controversy rages, some questions are inevitable: what was a 14-year old doing driving a car so late in the night? Was this the first time, and did family members know how the teen spent his time, and with whom? By all accounts, (see here and here) Aminulrasyid was a decent kid, a good student, and a victim of a fatal midnight escapade.
Once again it takes a tragedy to remind us there’s nothing easy in raising children. Even the most attentive parents among us stumble. Every so often kids who were angels at 5 become unruly monsters at 15, catching Mom and Dad unawares. What went wrong, some of us might ask? Is it the company a teenager keeps, or is it all chemical – a combustible mix of adolescent emotions and hormones? Could it be the parents’ fault, or is it the child’s? Is teenage rebellion the result of parents who were absent or too liberal? Or is it a reaction to strict and overbearing ones? The answer could well be none of the above, or a cocktail of all of the above.
I’ve been reading Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman’s NurtureShock: New Thinking about Children. In the chapter titled the Science of Teen Rebellion, they point out that the myth of the rebellious teen years is simply that – a myth. A 2006 research estimates that actual rebellion against parents occurs only between 5-15% of the time, while the ‘raging hormones’ tag – surprise, surprise! – finds no support at all.
But here’s something else to chew over.
The authors quote Dr Nancy Darling who researched teenage rebellion and defiance in the States, Philippines, Italy, and Chile. Darling said: “Kids who go wild and get into trouble mostly have parents who don’t set rules or standards. Their parents are loving and accepting no matter what the kids do. But the kids take the lack of rules as a sign their parents don’t actually care – that their parent doesn’t really want this job of being the parent.”
There is of course a drive for autonomy during adolescence – as any parent would tell you – and therefore the tussle over authority. Yet Darling’s scholarship revealed that early adolescents want more control over their lives than late adolescents. Objection to parental authority is slightly stronger at 11 than 18, and that it actually peaks around 14 to 15.
What about nosey parents who hover over their kids with obsessive intrusion and ring the home with a bunch of rules? Well, apparently their kids aren’t rebelling. Instead they’re largely obedient. And depressed.
“Ironically, the type of parents who are actually most consistent in enforcing rules are the same parents who are most warm and have the most conversations with their kids,” Darling reported. This means parents enforce a few set rules over certain key life’s spheres, and they’ve explained why the need for them. The child understands the need to obey, and she is allowed a measure of autonomy to make her own decisions in other spheres.
Research showed that the kids of these parents lied the least, and even if they did, they hid fewer areas than those from permissive homes.
If this comes as a bit of a surprise, it’s not too late to review your parenting style. Well-behaved parents have a better chance at nurturing well-behaved kids! Indeed, parenting is all about positive influence and reinforcement of things that matter in life. May I suggest majoring on the interior stuff – things of eternal value – and not the externals? Minor on appearances, and for your kid’s sanity (and your own) don’t sweat keeping up with your neighbours. Work on relationships, and not just rules. You get that right, and everything else falls into place.
19 August 2009
Homeschooling when baby makes 4
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: FAQ; Parenting.
[DT: What happens to homeschool when baby arrives? Time to hunker down or throw in the towel? This mom of 4 tells how she worked things out without giving homeschool up. This is post #2 in a series - see previous post - of wonderful testimonies taken from our HOMEFRONTIER forum]
I HAVE BEEN HOMESCHOOLING MY KIDS FOR 3 YEARS. I too panicked when I heard that I was pregnant with number 4. I wondered how I would cope with a 2yo who thinks he is Wolverine, a 4yo who still needs help in the toilet, and a 10yo reaching puberty (aiyoyo!). I could barely keep awake from sleepless nights, breastfeeding, and recovering from all that needed doing, but things did eventually work out!
Here’s what I did before baby was born:
1. Put kids in age-appropriate playgroups
I noticed my kids could play and form better friendships with others their age. Since there was none near my home and I didn’t have a car to zoom around, I formed 2 playgroups at home: one for my 11yo and another for my 3 and 5yo. When the kids came over they got to play and I got to take a breather. My 5yo found his best friend this way and now they are inseparable.
2. Lessen emphasis on academics
Workbooks and all that can wait. Having a new baby is a wonderful opportunity to introduce your kids to biology at work. I took my kids to the O&G clinic, they saw me get an ultrasound and take a blood test, and listened as my doctor interpreted the scan. They examined my growing tummy, and later after baby was delivered they prodded my deflated stomach, and watched as I breastfed the baby. Along the way the kids asked questions and that’s how learning took place.
3. Lessen my own workload
I formed a cooperative learning group. My 11yo learnt the violin at her friend’s house and took lessons from another 11-year old on Thursdays. That’s where she picked up badminton as well and now she’s keen for more training. Once a month she joined a study group in the home of another friend whose dad would teach whatever was the flavour of the month. This month her friend’s dad will be taking them all to the museum to learn about the Emergency (a pet topic of this dad).
Also, the parents that I have met through HOMEFRONTIER and MALHEN have been enormously supportive and my kids have benefited greatly from socializing with other families.
Hope this helps.
Yuling
16 June 2009
The parent as teacher
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting; Teaching.
My own understanding as an educator and homeschool parent is eclectic at best, and may come across as poorly conceived to some. Homeschooling is so much a DIY project I don’t think anyone has the last word. In any case, I do hope my experience will give impetus to your own homeschooling journey and help you do better as a parent-teacher.
When I last wrote that teaching a child at home required ‘different skills’ I may have inadvertently implied the application of formal pedagogical models and textbook procedures at home. My apologies. That’s furthest from my mind (although I admit I am sold on Freire’s ideas that teaching is about lighting a fire, not filling a bucket, nor comparable to banking). ‘Skill‘ may not be the right word to use, but since it describes a facility, a way of doing things, it’s not inappropriate to see it as an ability that can be learned or improved – meaning, parents can only get better the more they work at it.
Anyway, first things first. Not long after our family decided on homeschool, I realized I had to unlearn all my presuppositions about teaching and schooling. There were many! The reason is, our ideas about teaching (and learning) are invariably drawn from our days in school.
School, I’m sorry to say, is generally about coercion and conformity, and often completely out of step with what’s going on in the head or heart of a student. The rules, the performance trap, fragmented syllabus, political agenda, etc. Schools are an experiment in social engineering, and classroom teaching has a way of becoming nothing but crowd control. Unfortunately it’s this invisible curriculum that socializes and conditions our minds and informs the way we think our own children ought to be taught.
Of course beyond form and structure, we’re just as influenced by our teachers good and bad – the ones who tormented (in my case, an Encik Ismail) and those who inspired (Ms Pillai who taught literature and planted subversive political ideas into our innocent heads). Isn’t it also interesting that we remember our teachers more than the schoolbooks that we were spoon-fed from?
I’m sure our schoolteachers were people with good intentions, and the ones who inspired may have been great models. Yet when school’s out for the day, teacher didn’t have to come home and live with us.
What I am trying to say is, the homeschool teacher is first and last a parent. As children learn what they live, so parents teach by the lives they lead. If you are a homeschooling mom or dad, know that the line that separates educator from parent does not exist. If at all it’s there, it’s a mere crease. “But don’t you feel trapped? You don’t have your own space if you’re with your children all day,” a journalist once asked. My wife Sook Ching replied, “ Why should a mother feel this way when she’s spending time with the children she loves?”
This is really the first great lesson about being a parent-teacher. You’re not going to cut it if you view your kids as a life sentence. Love bears all things; our children are a wonderful gift from God, and we’ve got as much to learn from them as they have much to learn from us. Once you get this part right, the rest is easy.
28 January 2005
Letting God be God
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Devotional; Parenting.
Anyone starting out on a journey from A to B wants to know what’s in it for him or her, what to bring, what to expect. We want a map, some assurance from those who have gone ahead. After all is said, it’s easy to forget there’s only so much one can do or anticipate. In fact, the longer I homeschool, the more I realize how much lies outside my control. That’s not comforting to hear in our “take charge” society, but it’s exactly why it has to be said.
Take the growth stages of our children. I am just learning how to change and adapt my teaching and parenting styles as our children grow and adjust to changes in their bodies. What works with a child of 5 is not the same when he is 15. Just because we were fifteen once does not make us an expert. Then, as a girl or boy reaches the age of majority, the dynamics of parent-child relationship enters yet another phase.
Something happens in a child’s development from dependence to independence and before long, you realize how quickly your influence is diminishing before your eyes. Whether you have done a good job is not the issue. You learn – perhaps painfully – that a child’s self-awareness and spiritual awakening are matters beyond your schedule and direction.
The components of physical, emotional, and intellectual growth in children may be tied in part to genetic disposition and social conditioning, but our kids are individuals who alone must chart the course of their future. You can point the way but you can’t walk down that road on your children’s behalf.
I was reminded of this as I tried to make sense of the killer tsunami that wiped out almost 200,000 lives and displaced hundreds of thousands more. The heart-wrenching scenes of destruction in the papers and on our screens spelled this out to me: our lives are not ultimately in our hands.
The same applies to parenting and homeschooling. Things do go awry as good intentions sometimes do, and you’re overcome by a tsunami of conflicting emotions: is it my failure as parent, or is it the curriculum? Did not God promise me His favour, or did I not pray enough?
We may have been caught by surprise, but not our sovereign God. Indeed, all life is really in His hands. That includes our children. Like everything else we do, our heavenly Father asks only that we do the best we can “as to the Lord,” and He will take care of the rest. Someone once said that trusting God is like driving at night – you see just as far as your headlights, but it’s enough to take you to your destination.
That’s a good thing to remember as we homeschool this year. It’s also the easy part. The hard part is letting go of our need for control, letting go of our children, and letting God have His way with our family and us. Yet in letting God be sovereign, are we not placing ourselves in hands far, far, more able than our own?
Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor,for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, O LORD, is the kingdom;you are exalted as head over all. 1 Chron 29:11 (NIV)
4 July 2001
Coming full circle
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Guest Writer; Parenting.
GUEST WRITER: Celine Leong
It may be the year 2001, but one wonders if mothers in the new millennium are any more enlightened about motherhood than their mothers were. From the second half of the 20th century, women began to break free from the traditional paradigm of motherhood–that of being at home with the children.
Leading women activists were arguing for the right of mothers to find expression of identity and self-worth away from the kitchen sink. At the same time, women were getting more educated and gaining qualification in areas previously dominated by men. This led to a surge of women in the workforce.
Mothers found themselves juggling between their roles of primary carers of their children and shakers of the corporate world. While some worked for financial reasons, many were seeking self-fulfilment, and still others may have felt an irresistible urge to meet the challenge of trying to be a supermum.
One generation later, the typical working mother is now more stressed than ever, having to maintain the dual role of managing the household (albeit with the help of maids or in-laws, with their own set of problems) and being a conscientious employee.
Furthermore, she faces the mental pressure of guilt (about not spending enough time with the children), resentment (at having to sacrifice more than other members of the household) and sheer fatigue.
Instead of making huge strides in being liberated from the shackles of the past, women today are no closer to finding a satisfactory answer to the dilemma of spending quality time with family and advancing in their career.
Greater male participation in the sharing of household duties has been advocated but, in reality, this is unlikely to happen. For some, the only solution seems to be a compromise of postponing marriage and/or children. This, however, postpones rather than solves the problem, not to mention the additional battle with the biological clock.
Perhaps the underlying reason for the struggle to have it all is the slow but sure shift in values. In the past, children were a highly prized part of the community, with prosperity often being measured by the abundance of descendants.
However, the progress of the last century has brought with it the scourge of materialism. Children now compete with the other ornaments we accumulate to flaunt our status in society.Asians today will consider being childless if it means interfering with their lifestyle. In our unashamedly feverish acquisition of the symbols of success (cash, career, condo, etc), we often neglect our children.
Admittedly some mothers ease their conscience by decreasing their hours of work, but most are still reluctant to sacrifice their career for what is perceived as the menial task of child-rearing. The fear of isolation, low worth, insufficient intellectual stimulation and loss of financial independence are factors weighing against a woman’s decision to spend more time at home.
My own struggle with this issue arose when I had my first child 10 years ago. Could I (or should I) be a supermum? An achiever by nature, I was an engineering graduate with a rewarding career and an earning potential that exceeded that of my husband’s. Naturally I also wanted the best for my daughter. However, my husband had resigned from his position when I was pregnant, and although this had its advantages (he spent a lot of time with our newborn), the financial pressure we were under dictated my choice to continue work, at least on a part-time basis.
Eventually, acknowledging God as the originator of families, I began searching His blueprint for successful mothering.
What I discovered was the extremely high value He places on children, giving them to us as our heritage. A heritage, being more than a gift, is an inheritance that lasts forever. Therefore, the task of nurturing children is a privileged one, requiring focused attention and effort.
A mother who chooses to fulfil her destiny as the shaper of the next generation cannot fail to find significance in that role. Consider the ridiculous scenario of pitying poor Tiger Woods for being tied to the golf course, unable to party or enjoy =ife. One sees the arduous nature of his work, the constraints it puts on him and the sacrifices he has had to make along the way.
Yet he makes a deliberate choice to live that way because of the value he places on the attainment of golfing excellence. The trophies that await him motivate him to a lifestyle monotonous and restrictive to others, yet pleasurable and exciting in its ability to direct him towards his goals.
In a similar way, a mother who values her treasures in her home gladly makes the sacrifices needed to attain parental excellence. The trophies involved are that of children who are loving, mature and able to leave a positive mark on their society.
While not wanting to gloss over the complexities of this issue by giving trite answers, I can only testify of the freedom that came with pursuing full-time motherhood. No longer a mindless slave to the trends of society, I found myself released to follow what seems natural to a mother’s heart. Fears of entrapment, boredom and poverty proved to be unfounded. It has been an adventure of growth for mother and children alike.
Four children later, I am still relishing the joys of this lifestyle, meeting each crisis with the assurance of long-term rewards. Even through the unexpected death of my fourth child, Kyle, last November, I am able to be thankful for the privilege of having looked after him for his short lifespan of two years.
His departure has only confirmed the importance of relationships over possessions, hence the need to savour every moment with our little ones. While that is another story in itself, Kyle’s death has been a stark reminder of our mortality, adding to the resolve of parenting with eternal values in mind.
That, perhaps, is the ultimate challenge of parenting in the new millennium–having the courage to make the choices that will affect eternity.
About the writer: Celine Leong was born in KL, but she now lives with her family in Adelaide. This article was first published in The Star, 27 June, 2001, and then posted to HOMEFRONTIER subscribers.
5 April 2001
Rebel Parents
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting; Values.
How many times have you heard parents ask, “Where do you find the patience to teach your own children?” It is a question that usually arises after an admission by these same parents that they could never homeschool since they lack the necessary patience quotient. Some people have it, others don’t. Period. How do you manage staying in with these kids all day, anyway? Off to a learning center then, my darlings.
Parenting flows from the heart
Once a well-known columnist in a local paper wrote to me that parenting is something that flows from the heart; unless one loved children, parenting would be a horrible burden. How ‘lucky’ our kids to have parents who are not denying them their childhood. Her words echo those of a Christian leader who advised against being dogmatic about career mothers, since there are indeed women who just couldn’t cope otherwise. As observations go, you can’t fault that I suppose.
Not being a prickly pedant myself (besides being a man), I’ll say to each her own. After all what merit is there in a stay-in mother (or father) who’s either indulgent or indifferent, or worst, who’s both? Perhaps I’m trying too hard to be inclusive, but didn’t Paul say that while one man eats everything and another only vegetables, our heavenly Father accepts them both?
A few years ago at a talk on alternative education, a father came up to me and asked if homeschooling could reform his teenager. A hulking 14-year old and perpetual truant, he had defied instruction, discipline and authority at home and school. I didn’t know what to say except to caution that homeschool doesn’t do anything unless a child respects his parent’s authority first. That means working on discipline before academics.
Compare that with a mother whose 14-year old is presently enrolled in a learning center. She had been doing poorly in conventional schools leaving the flustered Mom to turn to a center that promised low teacher-student ratio and a more interesting English-based curriculum. Now, the daughter’s not doing so good there too. Mom doesn’t have the time, and confessed that she didn’t have the patience either to relate with her. So could we arrange for her daughter to interact with other homeschooling teens so she could pick up better habits?
I wish there was a magic wand to miraculously turn the hearts of children to their parents. You know, wave it, intone the magic words “h-o-m-e-s-c-h-o-o-l,” and viola! you’re on the cover of “Teaching Home.” Oh, did I use the wrong words? How about, “l-e-a-r-n-i-n-g c-e-n-t-r-e” ?
Personal investments for a happy home
The age of instant noodles and high-speed bandwidth connections has apparently given rise to the notion that parenting is a formula or system one can purchase off the shelf. Don’t have the right stuff? Get one that fits, pay someone to do it and praise God for small mercies. Sorry. As they say, no pain, no gain. The natural response may be to balk at the personal investment required to raise kids, but Scripture doesn’t soft-peddle God’s injunctions for happy homes.
Children come packaged and labeled with a divine RDA: 100% Love, 100% Patience, 100% Attention. Okay, I may be pushing the analogy a wee bit, but you get my drift: some things are non-negotiable. Parents have to obey His word, make the time, live exemplary lives, align our desires and ambitions with God’s will for our families. Deuteronomy 6 describes a parent’s job as a moment-by-moment responsibility, while in Ephesians 6, fathers are called not to exasperate their children but to instruct them in the Lord. There is no shortcut key. Imagine husband who desires a happy marriage but admits he doesn’t have time for his wife or the patience to make it work! It doesn’t get easier with children, homeschooling or not.
So Mom stays home and rules the roost as homemaker, homeschool teacher and all. But an absentee father, busy with work, church, or golf with neither inclination nor interest in his children’s affairs isn’t doing his family any favour. Recently we were shown a birthday card designed by a child for his father. Beautifully done on the computer with quotations and cartoons, it was a touching tribute from a son to a golf-loving Dad who by all accounts was a devoted parent and loving provider. Turning to the last page however I read, “Even if you don’t spend time with me, even though you’re too busy to remember my birthday, I still think you’re the best daddy in the world!” I put the card down, momentarily jarred by the irony of it all, thinking to myself how children are so wonderfully accepting.
Parents as rebels
Neil Postman in his new book Building A Bridge To The 18th Century writes that parenting is an act of rebellion. By that he means that parents must choose to go against the grain of our age. If we care for the lives of our children, we must rebel against these callous times, in much the same way husbands and wives pledge faithfulness in our throwaway culture, in opposition to a lifestyle of instant gratification. Why God doesn’t simply zap us into shape, make us great parents, turn toady kids into handsome princes and beautiful princesses (with a hasty S.O.S prayer) is anybody’s guess.
That an astute social critic should be so emphatic about the responsibility of parents embarrasses Christians who possess God’s word but dodge its demands. Perhaps the teaching of easy triumphalism has lulled us into forgetting that Jesus’ path to glory took him down the road to Calvary first. Homeschool is no genie-in-a-bottle promising compliant sons and daughters; education is not a set curriculum or teaching methodology. The way to healthy, godly children starts with a relationship, beginning with our own with God, and then with our young.
As we approach Palm Sunday, let our hosannas ring with humble appreciation for the price our heavenly Father paid to restore fellowship with us, His prodigal sons and daughters. Now, there’s an example too big to miss. We’re on a journey of a lifetime; the is not always clear, but the sun never fails to break through. Breezes blow, invigorating and hopeful. How good it is to have the Lord with us.
6 February 2001
It’s challenging!
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Guest Writer; Parenting.
GUEST WRITER: Celine Leslie
When most of us first started homeschooling, it became clear very quickly that the most challenging task was not the one we had anticipated. We would have asked many questions about covering the academic subjects. We would have had sleepless nights wondering if we were up to teaching physics and chemistry (or even Standard 6 Math!). We would have harboured fears about the child missing out on socialisation. We questioned our ability to draw up (and stick to) an effective daily timetable.
Yet, for many of us, the greatest challenge to emerge has been that of coping with the daily frustrations of dealing with our child’s behaviour. Your child may be utterly untidy and leave trails of belonging to show where he or she has been. Or he/she may have a fussy temperament that insists everything is done his/her way or the whole world knows about it! Perhaps your child doesn’t have the initiative that you wished he/she had, preferring to dreamily stare into space instead of “getting down to work” like you know all diligent children should. Or maybe little Chong Beng doesn’t take correction too well. Sulking and pouting for hours, he punishes his instructors for their adherence to the Word of God in correcting their child when it would have been easier to ignore the misdemeanor (read sin). Maybe it is the lack of respect shown that gets you boiling. You get the picture.
Sometimes we even begin to wonder whether we have got it right. Are our expectations too high? Is there something drastically wrong with this child? Am I reaping dysfunctional behaviour for my lack of correction or ignorance in the past? Is this a phase my child is going through? And if I listen to all the voices that are eagerly trying to get my attention, well, I would have to consider what my sister-in-law (the school teacher), mother, neighbour and uncle have all got to say. The trouble is, they are all shouting different solutions, and they can’t even agree on the problem!
I believe that we can turn to our loving Father for solutions. Over Christmas, I began to realise afresh what our perfect Father did to reach the heart of His children. We were defiant, rebellious, independent and altogether despicable in our attitude towards God. If God were like us, He would have been tearing His hair out. We would have yelled, screamed and threatened in anger and frustration. Indeed the Old Testament resonates with His pleadings, warnings, promises and shouting (holy ones!) in an effort to correct and change us.
Christmas reminds us of what He thought of us when He did what we were unwilling to do. We did not have room for Him, but He prepared rooms for us. We were unwilling to go into His presence, but He willingly entered our world. To save us, He became one of us. He EMPATHISED with us even as He instructed, corrected and showed us the way out of our mess. In the same way, I believe that parents, while they have the Biblical mandate to educate their children, earn the respect and gain the permission needed to change the hearts of their children when they show a willingness to enter into their world.
Parents, let’s follow our Father’s lead. Enter into the world of your child. No, that doesn’t mean being childish but it does mean being child-like again. (Remember your own childhood?) See things from your child’s perspective. What is the personality of your child? How has God made your child unique? What are his strengths and weaknesses? What makes your child tick? What does he/she absolutely fall in love with, and what does he/she detest? As a homeschooling parent, you have the privilege of being able to observe your child in many circumstances. That’s right – step back and study your child. Watch his/her reactions. Ask him/her why he/she reacted in a certain wayand listen, not merely to the words, but also to the heart. It may take time, but eventually, the heart of your child will become clear to you. All the while you are building the relationship, allowing kindness and respect to rule.
ENTER, EMPATHISE, ENCOURAGE. I am personally learning that these are the keywords. For if we do not enter, we will not be able to empathise. And without empathy, encouragement is not possible. Without encouragement, a child’s heart will not be open to hear your instructions. What about correction, you ask? Certainly punishment, correction, warnings and rebukes are all necessary. However, a parent’s authority is much more respected and received when the child is assured that the parent has taken the trouble to enter into his world. That child knows that the parent understands what he/she feels (that’s empathy) and that the last word will always be encouraging. I often tell myself that for every negative word spoken, I need to compensate with at least four positive ones.
Therefore, do correct and discipline, but make sure that you have first entered his/her world so you can understand where he/she is coming from. Perhaps Jenny is not so much messy as creative and creativity certainly causes mess. Perhaps the creativity can be encouraged while mess dealt with pre-determined rules. Maybe Johnny’s strong will is something the Lord can use for His glory in the future, providing he learns to obey and submit to the right authorities. It may take great patience to subdue his will, but when you empathise with him (it’s hard for him, you see), the frustration lessens while the motivation increases as you appreciate the work you are doing for the Lord in building and shaping his character.
We may even discover that we are the ones at fault. Maybe life wasn’t meant to be so serious – maybe we need to learn to laugh at ourselves. Perhaps Ai Ling hasn’t been deliberately “disobedient” in being silly and laughing – she was simply enjoying life! So let’s push ahead in entering their world. It may be God’s way of overcoming some of the frustrations of constantly being at loggerheads with our little ones. And that can be most challenging!
About the writer: Celine and her family live in Adelaide
7 June 2000
Parents in education
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting.
I can understand why some people choose not to read the papers, and I can’t blame them. There’s only this much mulch a person can stomach! Yet, I am drawn to them, by force of habit, as much as to confront the issues that challenge our christian witness. Of late, the headlines grabbing our attention are not merely the Sipadan hostage crisis or events taking place in Fiji. I’m referring to another crisis that’s hogging the newspaper columns: school violence and the unabated cries for education reforms.
Domestically and abroad, violence in schools is escalating with sickening regularity. A year ago, the Columbine High School massacre sent shock waves around the world, to be followed by other equally tragic killings mere weeks apart. More recently in America, a 13 year-old boy fatally shot a language teacher in the face, in school. While guns are not so easily available in Malaysia, recent reports of violence here are no less discomforting. Instead we read of marauding schoolboys in uniforms clashing in broad daylight, gangs beating up their peers, a band of schoolgirls preying on adults in public restrooms, schools and staff room set ablaze by vindictive students.
Which of us parents is unperturbed?
As if that is not enough to confirm the dire state of our schools, the authorities engage in sham semantics (”It’s not gangsterism, but hooliganism.”), self-denial (”Only 1% reported.”) while claiming the issue’s blown out of proportion by a zealous press. No one, least of all parents, is amused.
Common sense tells us that the root of the problem lies neither with the school system nor the governing authorities, but in the home. It’s a common enough tale known to us in the examples of Eli, and then Samuel’s sons, and in the anguished cry of King David, “My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you.” These episodes in 1 Samuel make painful reading. Interestingly, the recent box-office movie ‘Gladiator’ has a poignant moment where an aged Roman emperor admits to his less than virtuous heir that “The faults of the children lie in the flaws of the father.”
It is heartening therefore to know that in educational circles, the familial component is now stressed more and more. Increasingly in US schools, parents are included in their curriculum, often with scheduled involvement throughout the year. Research, it seems has borne this out, as reflected in longitudinal studies conducted on the well-regarded Head Start programme in the US. Would that more schools and their PTAs sit up and notice.
Homeschoolers may be on the right side of the debate, but that does not diminish the role of parents. So I write these words with fear and trembling, recognising how utterly crucial the parent’s influence upon a child’s spiritual estate, and how frail we often feel in the face of this awesome responsibility. May God grant us wisdom and grace to equal the weight of our calling.