2 October 2009
Are working moms happier?
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting.
“The mother loves her child most divinely,
not when she surrounds him with comfort and anticipates his wants,
but when she resolutely holds him to the highest standards
and is content with nothing less than his best.” ~ Hamilton Wright
Should moms stay home, or go out to work?
Hmm. Way back in the days of old, it was a given for mothers to stay at home and raise kids. Who else to raise the kids if women left home? A hundred years ago education for girls was not as widespread and accessible as it is today, and there were fewer jobs for women. Some say those were less complex times, an innocent age, when it was possible to talk about finding fulfilment in living one’s life for one’s children.
Today it is almost inconceivable that women, especially well-educated ones, think about nursing children instead of advancing careers. For better or worse, life goes on. For those who juggle career and children, the competing demands of both must weigh heavy on their minds. Interestingly, a new US study says “working mothers don’t have enough time in the day and feel guiltier than stay-at-home mums, but they’re just as happy.”
Four out of every 10 say they always feel rushed, compared with a quarter of the other two groups, according to data collected by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, with 62 percent of working mothers saying they would prefer to work part-time.
Only 37 percent of working mothers would prefer to work full-time compared to 79 percent of working fathers saying they would prefer full-time work.
“But despite these pressures and conflicts, working moms, overall, are as likely as at-home moms and working dads to say they’re happy with their lives,” the researchers said in a statement.
They found 36 percent of working mothers were very happy with their lives — the same as at-home mothers — while single mothers with children aged under 18 were the least happy group.
Stay-at-home mothers rated their parenting skills more highly than their working peers, with 43 percent giving themselves a score of 9 or 10 on the job they are doing as parents. Only 33 percent of working mothers rated themselves a 9 or 10.
Read the rest here.
In a provocative new book defending stay-at-home moms titled Home-Alone America: The Hidden Toll of Day Care, Wonder Drugs, and Other Parent Substitutes, Mary Eberstadt of the Hoover Institution believes the future of our children lies with at home moms. According to her, the reasons we’re seeing more problems in today’s youths can be traced to absentee moms and dads. A review of Eberstadt’s book quotes: “Divorce and dual income, dual income and divorce,” she writes. “The refrain hums like a mantra through the literature” of dysfunctional youth.
The review goes on to say:
Eberstadt is very effective in making her case that as “more and more children have spent considerably less time in the company of their parents… the fundamental measures of their well being” have scandalously declined. For example, in the first anecdote in the book’s first chapter — about day care, which children now attend while still in their diapers — she sympathetically describes a sick toddler, who should be home in bed, spending all day at a daycare center plaintively calling for his mommy. Child-care workers report that parents who are unable or unwilling to miss a day at work often dose such youngsters with Tylenol to bring down their fevers before dropping them off at day care. Eberstadt also describes angry two- and three-year-olds who act out their aggression, and wonders about the mental state of “babies and toddlers who take up biting as a habit.”
Provocative reading for sure. You can take a look at the whole review here.
21 May 2003
The Secret Lives of Mothers
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Uncategorized.
FIRST IT WAS ANDREA YATES. The troubled homeschool mom drowned all 5 of her children in a bathtub after a long struggle with postpartum depression. Now in what Newsweek magazine is calling “Yates Redux,” another homeschool mother is awaiting trial in Texas for killing her two young sons by crushing their heads and leaving the third with massive head injuries. The tragedy has shocked family and friends. Deana Laney, a seemingly demonstrative mom who was known to spend much time with her children says she killed her children “because God had told her to.”
The scene is too painful to imagine, and I get a knot in my stomach, a kind of dull ache in my head just thinking about it. What went wrong? Why?
In contrast, there is the story of Anne Ford, the daughter of automobile mogul Henry Ford II. In a recently published book titled, “Laughing Allegra” Ford, now 60, writes about raising her severely learning disabled daughter Allegra. One kindergarten after another had turned down the girl. When Allegra was 5 years old, a renowned pediatric psychologist advised that she be institutionalized in a home in London.
Confronted with a dilemma that wealth and privilege did not prepare her for, Ford wept uncontrollably for hours in a bathroom. As Ford says, “In the end, what good did (the money) do me?” When she calmed down, she simply said, “No,” to sending Allegra away and began a life journey that would change both daughter and mother. Today 31-year-old Allegra is an independent woman pursuing a career in early childhood education.
I do not pretend to understand what drives an apparently loving mother to kill her own children. In an imperfect world without fairy tale endings, who knows what dashes one mother’s hopes and drives another’s selflessness? Yet in the secret places of a mother’s heart, that which would break one mom makes another.
All of us who have ever experienced the love of mothers will appreciate how they gave up their dreams for those of their sons and daughters, not to mention their husbands. A journalist once asked my wife Sook Ching after listening to what she had to do to homeschool our sons: “So, what about your own life? Any regrets?”
An incredible weight already rests upon the shoulders of mothers who give up their lives for their families’ sakes. We dare not as husbands excuse ourselves as parents who have already done their part – bringing home the bacon, paying for dress and shelter – while leaving our wives to deal with our children all by themselves. As Dad and Mom, our children’s lives are in our hands. Sometimes literally, as the above stories illustrate.
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Ephesians 5:25 (ESV)
4 July 2001
Coming full circle
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Guest Writer; Parenting.
GUEST WRITER: Celine Leong
It may be the year 2001, but one wonders if mothers in the new millennium are any more enlightened about motherhood than their mothers were. From the second half of the 20th century, women began to break free from the traditional paradigm of motherhood–that of being at home with the children.
Leading women activists were arguing for the right of mothers to find expression of identity and self-worth away from the kitchen sink. At the same time, women were getting more educated and gaining qualification in areas previously dominated by men. This led to a surge of women in the workforce.
Mothers found themselves juggling between their roles of primary carers of their children and shakers of the corporate world. While some worked for financial reasons, many were seeking self-fulfilment, and still others may have felt an irresistible urge to meet the challenge of trying to be a supermum.
One generation later, the typical working mother is now more stressed than ever, having to maintain the dual role of managing the household (albeit with the help of maids or in-laws, with their own set of problems) and being a conscientious employee.
Furthermore, she faces the mental pressure of guilt (about not spending enough time with the children), resentment (at having to sacrifice more than other members of the household) and sheer fatigue.
Instead of making huge strides in being liberated from the shackles of the past, women today are no closer to finding a satisfactory answer to the dilemma of spending quality time with family and advancing in their career.
Greater male participation in the sharing of household duties has been advocated but, in reality, this is unlikely to happen. For some, the only solution seems to be a compromise of postponing marriage and/or children. This, however, postpones rather than solves the problem, not to mention the additional battle with the biological clock.
Perhaps the underlying reason for the struggle to have it all is the slow but sure shift in values. In the past, children were a highly prized part of the community, with prosperity often being measured by the abundance of descendants.
However, the progress of the last century has brought with it the scourge of materialism. Children now compete with the other ornaments we accumulate to flaunt our status in society.Asians today will consider being childless if it means interfering with their lifestyle. In our unashamedly feverish acquisition of the symbols of success (cash, career, condo, etc), we often neglect our children.
Admittedly some mothers ease their conscience by decreasing their hours of work, but most are still reluctant to sacrifice their career for what is perceived as the menial task of child-rearing. The fear of isolation, low worth, insufficient intellectual stimulation and loss of financial independence are factors weighing against a woman’s decision to spend more time at home.
My own struggle with this issue arose when I had my first child 10 years ago. Could I (or should I) be a supermum? An achiever by nature, I was an engineering graduate with a rewarding career and an earning potential that exceeded that of my husband’s. Naturally I also wanted the best for my daughter. However, my husband had resigned from his position when I was pregnant, and although this had its advantages (he spent a lot of time with our newborn), the financial pressure we were under dictated my choice to continue work, at least on a part-time basis.
Eventually, acknowledging God as the originator of families, I began searching His blueprint for successful mothering.
What I discovered was the extremely high value He places on children, giving them to us as our heritage. A heritage, being more than a gift, is an inheritance that lasts forever. Therefore, the task of nurturing children is a privileged one, requiring focused attention and effort.
A mother who chooses to fulfil her destiny as the shaper of the next generation cannot fail to find significance in that role. Consider the ridiculous scenario of pitying poor Tiger Woods for being tied to the golf course, unable to party or enjoy =ife. One sees the arduous nature of his work, the constraints it puts on him and the sacrifices he has had to make along the way.
Yet he makes a deliberate choice to live that way because of the value he places on the attainment of golfing excellence. The trophies that await him motivate him to a lifestyle monotonous and restrictive to others, yet pleasurable and exciting in its ability to direct him towards his goals.
In a similar way, a mother who values her treasures in her home gladly makes the sacrifices needed to attain parental excellence. The trophies involved are that of children who are loving, mature and able to leave a positive mark on their society.
While not wanting to gloss over the complexities of this issue by giving trite answers, I can only testify of the freedom that came with pursuing full-time motherhood. No longer a mindless slave to the trends of society, I found myself released to follow what seems natural to a mother’s heart. Fears of entrapment, boredom and poverty proved to be unfounded. It has been an adventure of growth for mother and children alike.
Four children later, I am still relishing the joys of this lifestyle, meeting each crisis with the assurance of long-term rewards. Even through the unexpected death of my fourth child, Kyle, last November, I am able to be thankful for the privilege of having looked after him for his short lifespan of two years.
His departure has only confirmed the importance of relationships over possessions, hence the need to savour every moment with our little ones. While that is another story in itself, Kyle’s death has been a stark reminder of our mortality, adding to the resolve of parenting with eternal values in mind.
That, perhaps, is the ultimate challenge of parenting in the new millennium–having the courage to make the choices that will affect eternity.
About the writer: Celine Leong was born in KL, but she now lives with her family in Adelaide. This article was first published in The Star, 27 June, 2001, and then posted to HOMEFRONTIER subscribers.