6 February 2001

It’s challenging!

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Guest Writer; Parenting.

GUEST WRITER: Celine Leslie

When most of us first started homeschooling, it became clear very quickly that the most challenging task was not the one we had anticipated. We would have asked many questions about covering the academic subjects. We would have had sleepless nights wondering if we were up to teaching physics and chemistry (or even Standard 6 Math!). We would have harboured fears about the child missing out on socialisation. We questioned our ability to draw up (and stick to) an effective daily timetable.

Yet, for many of us, the greatest challenge to emerge has been that of coping with the daily frustrations of dealing with our child’s behaviour. Your child may be utterly untidy and leave trails of belonging to show where he or she has been. Or he/she may have a fussy temperament that insists everything is done his/her way or the whole world knows about it! Perhaps your child doesn’t have the initiative that you wished he/she had, preferring to dreamily stare into space instead of “getting down to work” like you know all diligent children should. Or maybe little Chong Beng doesn’t take correction too well. Sulking and pouting for hours, he punishes his instructors for their adherence to the Word of God in correcting their child when it would have been easier to ignore the misdemeanor (read sin). Maybe it is the lack of respect shown that gets you boiling. You get the picture.

Sometimes we even begin to wonder whether we have got it right. Are our expectations too high? Is there something drastically wrong with this child? Am I reaping dysfunctional behaviour for my lack of correction or ignorance in the past? Is this a phase my child is going through? And if I listen to all the voices that are eagerly trying to get my attention, well, I would have to consider what my sister-in-law (the school teacher), mother, neighbour and uncle have all got to say. The trouble is, they are all shouting different solutions, and they can’t even agree on the problem!

I believe that we can turn to our loving Father for solutions. Over Christmas, I began to realise afresh what our perfect Father did to reach the heart of His children. We were defiant, rebellious, independent and altogether despicable in our attitude towards God. If God were like us, He would have been tearing His hair out. We would have yelled, screamed and threatened in anger and frustration. Indeed the Old Testament resonates with His pleadings, warnings, promises and shouting (holy ones!) in an effort to correct and change us.

Christmas reminds us of what He thought of us when He did what we were unwilling to do. We did not have room for Him, but He prepared rooms for us. We were unwilling to go into His presence, but He willingly entered our world. To save us, He became one of us. He EMPATHISED with us even as He instructed, corrected and showed us the way out of our mess. In the same way, I believe that parents, while they have the Biblical mandate to educate their children, earn the respect and gain the permission needed to change the hearts of their children when they show a willingness to enter into their world.

Parents, let’s follow our Father’s lead. Enter into the world of your child. No, that doesn’t mean being childish but it does mean being child-like again. (Remember your own childhood?) See things from your child’s perspective. What is the personality of your child? How has God made your child unique? What are his strengths and weaknesses? What makes your child tick? What does he/she absolutely fall in love with, and what does he/she detest? As a homeschooling parent, you have the privilege of being able to observe your child in many circumstances. That’s right – step back and study your child. Watch his/her reactions. Ask him/her why he/she reacted in a certain wayand listen, not merely to the words, but also to the heart. It may take time, but eventually, the heart of your child will become clear to you. All the while you are building the relationship, allowing kindness and respect to rule.

ENTER, EMPATHISE, ENCOURAGE. I am personally learning that these are the keywords. For if we do not enter, we will not be able to empathise. And without empathy, encouragement is not possible. Without encouragement, a child’s heart will not be open to hear your instructions. What about correction, you ask? Certainly punishment, correction, warnings and rebukes are all necessary. However, a parent’s authority is much more respected and received when the child is assured that the parent has taken the trouble to enter into his world. That child knows that the parent understands what he/she feels (that’s empathy) and that the last word will always be encouraging. I often tell myself that for every negative word spoken, I need to compensate with at least four positive ones.

Therefore, do correct and discipline, but make sure that you have first entered his/her world so you can understand where he/she is coming from. Perhaps Jenny is not so much messy as creative and creativity certainly causes mess. Perhaps the creativity can be encouraged while mess dealt with pre-determined rules. Maybe Johnny’s strong will is something the Lord can use for His glory in the future, providing he learns to obey and submit to the right authorities. It may take great patience to subdue his will, but when you empathise with him (it’s hard for him, you see), the frustration lessens while the motivation increases as you appreciate the work you are doing for the Lord in building and shaping his character.

We may even discover that we are the ones at fault. Maybe life wasn’t meant to be so serious – maybe we need to learn to laugh at ourselves. Perhaps Ai Ling hasn’t been deliberately “disobedient” in being silly and laughing – she was simply enjoying life! So let’s push ahead in entering their world. It may be God’s way of overcoming some of the frustrations of constantly being at loggerheads with our little ones. And that can be most challenging!

About the writer: Celine and her family live in Adelaide

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7 June 2000

Parents in education

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting.

I can understand why some people choose not to read the papers, and I can’t blame them. There’s only this much mulch a person can stomach! Yet, I am drawn to them, by force of habit, as much as to confront the issues that challenge our christian witness. Of late, the headlines grabbing our attention are not merely the Sipadan hostage crisis or events taking place in Fiji. I’m referring to another crisis that’s hogging the newspaper columns: school violence and the unabated cries for education reforms.

Domestically and abroad, violence in schools is escalating with sickening regularity. A year ago, the Columbine High School massacre sent shock waves around the world, to be followed by other equally tragic killings mere weeks apart. More recently in America, a 13 year-old boy fatally shot a language teacher in the face, in school. While guns are not so easily available in Malaysia, recent reports of violence here are no less discomforting. Instead we read of marauding schoolboys in uniforms clashing in broad daylight, gangs beating up their peers, a band of schoolgirls preying on adults in public restrooms, schools and staff room set ablaze by vindictive students.

Which of us parents is unperturbed?

As if that is not enough to confirm the dire state of our schools, the authorities engage in sham semantics (”It’s not gangsterism, but hooliganism.”), self-denial (”Only 1% reported.”) while claiming the issue’s blown out of proportion by a zealous press. No one, least of all parents, is amused.

Common sense tells us that the root of the problem lies neither with the school system nor the governing authorities, but in the home. It’s a common enough tale known to us in the examples of Eli, and then Samuel’s sons, and in the anguished cry of King David, “My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you.” These episodes in 1 Samuel make painful reading. Interestingly, the recent box-office movie ‘Gladiator’ has a poignant moment where an aged Roman emperor admits to his less than virtuous heir that “The faults of the children lie in the flaws of the father.”

It is heartening therefore to know that in educational circles, the familial component is now stressed more and more. Increasingly in US schools, parents are included in their curriculum, often with scheduled involvement throughout the year. Research, it seems has borne this out, as reflected in longitudinal studies conducted on the well-regarded Head Start programme in the US. Would that more schools and their PTAs sit up and notice.

Homeschoolers may be on the right side of the debate, but that does not diminish the role of parents. So I write these words with fear and trembling, recognising how utterly crucial the parent’s influence upon a child’s spiritual estate, and how frail we often feel in the face of this awesome responsibility. May God grant us wisdom and grace to equal the weight of our calling.

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