17 June 2009

The feminist mother-educator

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting.

I first came across this post about feminism and homeschool at childofnarnia‘s blog. I was piqued because when my wife gave up her career, there were mumblings about ‘wasting your education’ and all that.  What interested me was the revelation that there was some sort of feminist backlash at women who decided to abandon their career – highly educated ones at that – to stay home and educate their own children.

These mother-educators are giving up good-paying jobs to homeschool and nurture their kids. You know, in an age where women no longer have to be chained to the kitchen sink, more and more are deserting hard-earned gains in gender equality to embrace a pre-Women’s Lib (as it was called then) male dominated social order. Shocking! But as the writer Wendy McElroy argues, what women are abandoning is the singular agenda of feminist self-interest in favour of choice – in this case, finding fulfilment as a mother raising and homeschooling her own children. So is there a tension or contradiction between feminism and traditional values, or is homeschool a step backwards for women? Read on, and you decide.

Homeschooling constitutes a revolution in education. But it is also one of the most significant trends to affect women and families in decades, especially since it is led by mother-educators. Homeschooling is part of a social shift by which women are moving back toward traditional family values, not because they have to but because they want to do so.

Analysis of homeschooling has focused on the children—and properly so—but the relationship of mother-educators to feminism deserves investigation in its own right. Homeschooling is a trend that mainstream feminism is resisting because the teaching at-home mom threatens many of the values it espouses, including financial independence.

The tension between homeschooling and feminism arises not from feminism per se, but from the politically correct version that has dominated the movement for over a decade. PC feminism regards the traditional family as a training ground for patriarchy—that is, for the white male culture that oppresses women.

Fortunately, other schools of feminism view staying at home as simply one more choice that a self-respecting, intelligent woman can make or reject, depending on her goals in life. Individualist feminism is one example. For this school of feminism, freedom means having every peaceful choice possible and taking personal responsibility for all your actions. In this framework, one woman’s decision to stay at home is not politically better or worse than another woman’s choice to become a CEO. Both are personal matters. Both express the core of true feminism: choice.

Read the rest here. (Warning – really long post)

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16 June 2009

The parent as teacher

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting; Teaching.

My own understanding as an educator and homeschool parent is eclectic at best, and may come across as poorly conceived to some. Homeschooling is so much a DIY project I don’t think anyone has the last word. In any case, I do hope my experience will give impetus to your own homeschooling journey and help you do better as a parent-teacher.

When I last wrote that teaching a child at home required ‘different skills’ I may have inadvertently implied the application of formal pedagogical models and textbook procedures at home. My apologies. That’s furthest from my mind (although I admit I am sold on Freire’s ideas that teaching is about lighting a fire, not filling a bucket, nor comparable to banking). ‘Skill‘ may not be the right word to use, but since it describes a facility, a way of doing things, it’s not inappropriate to see it as an ability that can be learned or improved – meaning, parents can only get better the more they work at it.

Anyway, first things first. Not long after our family decided on homeschool, I realized I had to unlearn all my presuppositions about teaching and schooling. There were many! The reason is, our ideas about teaching (and learning) are invariably drawn from our days in school.

School, I’m sorry to say, is generally about coercion and conformity, and often completely out of step with what’s going on in the head or heart of a student. The rules, the performance trap, fragmented syllabus, political agenda, etc. Schools are an experiment in social engineering, and classroom teaching has a way of becoming nothing but crowd control. Unfortunately it’s this invisible curriculum that socializes and conditions our minds and informs the way we think our own children ought to be taught.

Of course beyond form and structure, we’re just as influenced by our teachers good and bad – the ones who tormented (in my case, an Encik Ismail) and those who inspired (Ms Pillai who taught literature and planted subversive political ideas into our innocent heads). Isn’t it also interesting that we remember our teachers more than the schoolbooks that we were spoon-fed from?

I’m sure our schoolteachers were people with good intentions, and the ones who inspired may have been great models. Yet when school’s out for the day, teacher didn’t have to come home and live with us.

What I am trying to say is, the homeschool teacher is first and last a parent. As children learn what they live, so parents teach by the lives they lead. If you are a homeschooling mom or dad, know that the line that separates educator from parent does not exist. If at all it’s there, it’s a mere crease. “But don’t you feel trapped? You don’t have your own space if you’re with your children all day,” a journalist once asked. My wife Sook Ching replied, “ Why should a mother feel this way when she’s spending time with the children she loves?”

This is really the first great lesson about being a parent-teacher. You’re not going to cut it if you view your kids as a life sentence. Love bears all things; our children are a wonderful gift from God, and we’ve got as much to learn from them as they have much to learn from us. Once you get this part right, the rest is easy.

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29 November 2005

The Lessons Fathers Teach

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting.

As long as a father lives responsibly, work hard, put food on the table, make time for church, he is deemed to have done his part. He hopes however that his diligence, work ethic, and commitment to provide and protect will impress his children to do right in the future.

Yet if fathers hope to raise children who live God-honouring lives,they will need to do more than impress their children. To do that a father has to intentionally and purposefully direct, instruct, and mentor his children (Eph 6:14), in ways that say who his Lord is and where his heart is set. Exercising this kind of influence is what spiritual leadership is about.

At some point every child must be helped to recognize that Jesus is Lord of all or He’s not Lord at all, and that living like Jesus is right and worthwhile. There is nothing easy in such an enterprise, but ready or not, our children are already taking their cues from our life and attitudes. When our 13-year old Elliot told me his dad was supposed to represent the kind of man he hopes to be one day, I think my heart skipped a beat. Of all the things unsaid about fatherhood, the one that we avoid is that which begs the question: how would you like your child to mirror the person you are today?

I find the notion rather unsettling because children in particular are better at doing what we habitually do instead of what we usually tell them to do (i.e., “do what I say, not what I do”). They consciously or unconsciously pick up cues from our lifestyle and attribute significance to our choices, and just as surely take after our indifference – neglect that the early church fathers rightly call ‘sins of omission.’

The Bible assumes leadership of fathers at home and assigns responsibilities that cover body and soul. Fathers who homeschool because they want to do right by their children will have to think hard about the shape of their leadership, because fathers lead – even when they aren’t leading. Children live what they learn. Sometimes the lessons they learn are the ones we fail to teach.

By David BC Tan

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28 January 2005

Letting God be God

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Devotional; Parenting.

Anyone starting out on a journey from A to B wants to know what’s in it for him or her, what to bring, what to expect. We want a map, some assurance from those who have gone ahead. After all is said, it’s easy to forget there’s only so much one can do or anticipate. In fact, the longer I homeschool, the more I realize how much lies outside my control. That’s not comforting to hear in our “take charge” society, but it’s exactly why it has to be said.

Take the growth stages of our children. I am just learning how to change and adapt my teaching and parenting styles as our children grow and adjust to changes in their bodies. What works with a child of 5 is not the same when he is 15. Just because we were fifteen once does not make us an expert. Then, as a girl or boy reaches the age of majority, the dynamics of parent-child relationship enters yet another phase.

Something happens in a child’s development from dependence to independence and before long, you realize how quickly your influence is diminishing before your eyes. Whether you have done a good job is not the issue. You learn – perhaps painfully – that a child’s self-awareness and spiritual awakening are matters beyond your schedule and direction.

The components of physical, emotional, and intellectual growth in children may be tied in part to genetic disposition and social conditioning, but our kids are individuals who alone must chart the course of their future. You can point the way but you can’t walk down that road on your children’s behalf.

I was reminded of this as I tried to make sense of the killer tsunami that wiped out almost 200,000 lives and displaced hundreds of thousands more. The heart-wrenching scenes of destruction in the papers and on our screens spelled this out to me: our lives are not ultimately in our hands.

The same applies to parenting and homeschooling. Things do go awry as good intentions sometimes do, and you’re overcome by a tsunami of conflicting emotions: is it my failure as parent, or is it the curriculum? Did not God promise me His favour, or did I not pray enough?

We may have been caught by surprise, but not our sovereign God. Indeed, all life is really in His hands. That includes our children. Like everything else we do, our heavenly Father asks only that we do the best we can “as to the Lord,” and He will take care of the rest. Someone once said that trusting God is like driving at night – you see just as far as your headlights, but it’s enough to take you to your destination.

That’s a good thing to remember as we homeschool this year. It’s also the easy part. The hard part is letting go of our need for control, letting go of our children, and letting God have His way with our family and us. Yet in letting God be sovereign, are we not placing ourselves in hands far, far, more able than our own?

Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor,for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, O LORD, is the kingdom;you are exalted as head over all. 1 Chron 29:11 (NIV)

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26 October 2002

A New Life

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Guest Writer; Parenting.

GUEST WRITER: Celine Leslie

With the arrival of our newborn baby boy Jonty (“God has given”), our family has embarked on a new adventure in the unpredictable and exciting journey of life. For me, being able to hold the evidence of new life has been a vital part of leaving the past behind and forging ahead with investing in the future of another soul that needs nurturing. While Kyle (in heaven for almost 2 years now) will always be lovingly remembered in our family, the fact that our destinies have taken separate paths does not hurt quite so badly now.

What happens to homeschooling when a baby arrives? Those with babies will testify to the planning that mothers go through while still pregnant, wondering what the best course of action is. Having had babies before assures me that it is possible to homeschool with a baby. Nevertheless the temptation is to worry and fret over the other children missing out on education while mother is too exhausted from lack of sleep or looking after a colicky baby.

The truth is that the children have had a wonderful time bonding with their new sibling. Meanwhile, Dad has been home most of the time, having a ball playing backyard cricket or taking them on outings. Being school holidays, the children have also been taking advantage of free activities on offer at this time. Most of all, they have had the invaluable and precious experience of caring for a newborn baby and making sacrifices to help mum with household duties. Formal bookwork takes a backseat when these life lessons (which don’t come by very often) are being learnt. Children do not always remember what they are taught. However, certain experiences leave indelible marks upon their minds. When the children look back at their childhood, they will remember these times with fondness.

Without the convenience of having relatives close by, a few worries did cross our minds. God, however, had already had His plan in mind. Labour started only when all commitments had ended and the calendar was empty. The delivery happened during the day, ensuring that the children only had to be at friends’ for a few hours. The hospital staff was kind enough to allow a 4-night stay, allowing for adequate rest and recovery. Since coming home, all my meals have been unexpectedly catered for by wonderful friends. Just when one supply ends, another arrives, and it hasn’t finished yet. The bottom line – God looks after us.

Which should not be a surprise. When I gaze at Jonty, I am amazed at the trust of a baby (Ps 22:9 – You made me trust while on my mother’s breast). The baby does not question the ability of the mother to care for him. Jonty does not worry about the supply of milk. If he did question it, he would find out that God, in His goodness, has made the law of supply and demand such that the supply would always be there as long as Jonty needed it, even for a few years. Yet the evidence of a few years’ supply of milk would be lacking. How often we wish to see the evidence of God’s provision instead of trusting God to supply according to our need. If only we could be unquestioningly contented to suck out of God’s perfect provision, believing that He would be far more able than the world’s most perfect mother to give us the very best care in every part of our lives.

You can see that it has been a time of learning for all of us. There are undoubtedly many more lessons to be learnt as we go through the joys and tribulations of parenting this new life. Meanwhile, we thank God that He is the Author of life and the Maker of all things new.

About the author: Celine Leslie who resides in Adelaide was blessed with the birth of Jonty on 23 Sept 2002. Congratulations to the parents, Mark and Celine!

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16 July 2002

Kids’ Stuff

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Guest Writer; Parenting.

GUEST WRITER: Kimberly Lee

“In our pursuit to provide our kids with things that we did not have when we were young, let us not forget to give our kids what we once had when we were kids”, was part of the message from our last Sunday Service.

These words spoke volumes about the kind of things that I wish to impart to my kids. We have two pre-school kids – Allyn is 5 and Aidan is 3.5. I, for one had fond memories of my childhood. My daddy is a good artist; he draws and paints very well. We had 4 siblings in the family. When I was growing up we hardly had toys or new clothes. But we were never short of paint – oil, pastel, water-colour, charcoal, etc. My daddy taught us something that he knew best – how to draw and paint.

I remember how I used to draw a rat and painted it red. This would annoy my teacher. She would try to persuade and reason with me why my rat should be black. I would simply reply that, ” My daddy says I can use any colour that I like. It’s just an expression.” And I still hold true to what my dear father said, this time with my very own kids. One day, I found my daughter colouring her monkey green!!!

A lot of things that I do with my kids revolve around the environment & nature. I do teach them a certain amount of academics, but I try to keep these within the context of the themes that we are pursuing. Among the activities that keep us busy at home include:

1. Nature themes – insects, birds
We would catch the different insects that come into our home and study them – ‘lab within the home’. The kids will get to feed the insects with different kinds of food and determine what kind of food suits the insects best. Once we had a cricket and it made so much noise at night that daddy had to leave it outside the house. We then read up more on crickets and found that the noise produced by a cricket corresponds with its surrounding temperature. That night the kids took the cricket into their air-conditioned room and it was a restful night for everybody.

One of the most recent projects is growing vegetables. We have already managed to get some seeds and styrofoam boxes. And we are looking forward to putting the soil in.

2. Nature walks
We love learning about the names of flowers and trees. We make occasional mini-trips (usually 1 – 1.5 hrs) to the Botanical Gardens covering a different section of the garden at a time – rainforest trail, palm gardens, cactus garden, flower gardens, etc.

The highlight of our trips is the information stall at the Gardens. The kids would get an ice- cream each as we talk to members of the `Friends of the Botanical Society’ raising questions about things we have seen. We would often pick up an item (dry leave, flower or ticket stub) for the kids’ journals.

Aidan isn’t really writing yet; but a small memento such as these usually stays in his memory for a good long time.

3. Field trips
I was away for a 4-day seminar recently so my husband took the opportunity to bring our kids back to his ‘kampung’ in Seremban. He wanted to show them his own ‘childhood experiences.’ The kids went to a waterfall/brook where their daddy used to visit when he was a child. They also had a chance to visit an ostrich farm and a museum.

Back at home in Penang, the kids love to ride with daddy in his truck for short drives. Recently they went to a durian orchard. Since the beach is also fairly near our home, we often go for a stroll together as a family, or sometimes fly a kite.

4. Library/bookshops
The Children’s Library is a stone’s throw away from our home. Tuesday is our library day. We read in the library as well as borrow books to bring home. Sometimes we go to a bookshop that has an inviting and child-friendly kids’ section.

By and large we do a lot of reading together. This is probably one of the most inexpensive yet fun activities for the kids. Although I am quite flexible with our reading schedule, we have stipulated times set aside just for this purpose: 3.00- 4.30 pm (that’s mommy’s wind-down time!!). After reading to the kids (usually a book each), I will read my own stuff and take a snooze!!

Bedtime stories & prayer is another ritual which is religiously observed in our home. One night Allyn fell asleep without her regular story & prayer. She got up at 2 am, stormed into our room and demanded her story and prayer!

5. Swimming/cycling
Friday afternoons are swimming days. Our kids usually meet up with 1 or 2 other homeschooling families to swim in the pool at one of the homes. Other times we just cycle in the park, or to each other’s home.

6. Art/craft
The kids’ art & craft materials are organised in a plastic 4-tier mini chest of drawers. We also custom-made a Montessori table (with laminated top for easy cleaning) which seats 4 kids (or adults) comfortably. The kids usually access these art materials themselves and work independently at the table. This activity is definitely one of their favourites.

Very often I have to make use of this ‘activity’ to lead them into academics. E.g.: Yesterday, we did a craft on snails. As part of the vocabulary building exercise, the kids were introduced to all the different words related to snails – glide, shell, tentacles, slimy, etc. I also taught Allyn to decode these words phonetically as she heard them. She also made up a story based on the different snails she made. I wrote out the story for her leaving out words which were part of the decoding exercise that we worked on earlier. She filled in these missing words and sketched some pictures to illustrate the story. So there we have a story “Happy Snail & Sad Snail” composed & illustrated by Allyn (albeit, dictated to and written by Mom!), which makes her simply eager to read the story to her brother.

7. Songs/music
My husband and I are neither musicians nor singers. Fortunately there are these glorified appliances with sing-along tunes called CDs and videos. Our kids simply learn by just listening and singing along. Allyn sometimes amazes us by doing simple dance steps from the videos. Their favourite video is “Hi-5″ an Australian music production.

Our kids do not speak a lot of Chinese at home but they are able to sing a few Chinese scripture choruses after listening a few times to a tape. Another tape series that’s good for memory verses is Steve Green’s “Hide Them in Your Heart.”

I also pin up a 7-verses-a-week chart for the kids. Everyday they (Aidan, least of all) would read out a verse from the chart. Usually the chart will be up for at least a month. But I am more interested that our children understand the verses fully before we move on.

In short, we are busy all the time.

About the writer: Kimberly and her family lived in Penang at the time of writing.

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16 July 2002

Life in the fast lane

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting; Values.

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4 July 2001

Coming full circle

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Guest Writer; Parenting.

GUEST WRITER: Celine Leong

It may be the year 2001, but one wonders if mothers in the new millennium are any more enlightened about motherhood than their mothers were. From the second half of the 20th century, women began to break free from the traditional paradigm of motherhood–that of being at home with the children.

Leading women activists were arguing for the right of mothers to find expression of identity and self-worth away from the kitchen sink. At the same time, women were getting more educated and gaining qualification in areas previously dominated by men. This led to a surge of women in the workforce.

Mothers found themselves juggling between their roles of primary carers of their children and shakers of the corporate world. While some worked for financial reasons, many were seeking self-fulfilment, and still others may have felt an irresistible urge to meet the challenge of trying to be a supermum.

One generation later, the typical working mother is now more stressed than ever, having to maintain the dual role of managing the household (albeit with the help of maids or in-laws, with their own set of problems) and being a conscientious employee.

Furthermore, she faces the mental pressure of guilt (about not spending enough time with the children), resentment (at having to sacrifice more than other members of the household) and sheer fatigue.

Instead of making huge strides in being liberated from the shackles of the past, women today are no closer to finding a satisfactory answer to the dilemma of spending quality time with family and advancing in their career.

Greater male participation in the sharing of household duties has been advocated but, in reality, this is unlikely to happen. For some, the only solution seems to be a compromise of postponing marriage and/or children. This, however, postpones rather than solves the problem, not to mention the additional battle with the biological clock.

Perhaps the underlying reason for the struggle to have it all is the slow but sure shift in values. In the past, children were a highly prized part of the community, with prosperity often being measured by the abundance of descendants.

However, the progress of the last century has brought with it the scourge of materialism. Children now compete with the other ornaments we accumulate to flaunt our status in society.Asians today will consider being childless if it means interfering with their lifestyle. In our unashamedly feverish acquisition of the symbols of success (cash, career, condo, etc), we often neglect our children.

Admittedly some mothers ease their conscience by decreasing their hours of work, but most are still reluctant to sacrifice their career for what is perceived as the menial task of child-rearing. The fear of isolation, low worth, insufficient intellectual stimulation and loss of financial independence are factors weighing against a woman’s decision to spend more time at home.

My own struggle with this issue arose when I had my first child 10 years ago. Could I (or should I) be a supermum? An achiever by nature, I was an engineering graduate with a rewarding career and an earning potential that exceeded that of my husband’s. Naturally I also wanted the best for my daughter. However, my husband had resigned from his position when I was pregnant, and although this had its advantages (he spent a lot of time with our newborn), the financial pressure we were under dictated my choice to continue work, at least on a part-time basis.

Eventually, acknowledging God as the originator of families, I began searching His blueprint for successful mothering.

What I discovered was the extremely high value He places on children, giving them to us as our heritage. A heritage, being more than a gift, is an inheritance that lasts forever. Therefore, the task of nurturing children is a privileged one, requiring focused attention and effort.

A mother who chooses to fulfil her destiny as the shaper of the next generation cannot fail to find significance in that role. Consider the ridiculous scenario of pitying poor Tiger Woods for being tied to the golf course, unable to party or enjoy =ife. One sees the arduous nature of his work, the constraints it puts on him and the sacrifices he has had to make along the way.

Yet he makes a deliberate choice to live that way because of the value he places on the attainment of golfing excellence. The trophies that await him motivate him to a lifestyle monotonous and restrictive to others, yet pleasurable and exciting in its ability to direct him towards his goals.

In a similar way, a mother who values her treasures in her home gladly makes the sacrifices needed to attain parental excellence. The trophies involved are that of children who are loving, mature and able to leave a positive mark on their society.

While not wanting to gloss over the complexities of this issue by giving trite answers, I can only testify of the freedom that came with pursuing full-time motherhood. No longer a mindless slave to the trends of society, I found myself released to follow what seems natural to a mother’s heart. Fears of entrapment, boredom and poverty proved to be unfounded. It has been an adventure of growth for mother and children alike.

Four children later, I am still relishing the joys of this lifestyle, meeting each crisis with the assurance of long-term rewards. Even through the unexpected death of my fourth child, Kyle, last November, I am able to be thankful for the privilege of having looked after him for his short lifespan of two years.

His departure has only confirmed the importance of relationships over possessions, hence the need to savour every moment with our little ones. While that is another story in itself, Kyle’s death has been a stark reminder of our mortality, adding to the resolve of parenting with eternal values in mind.

That, perhaps, is the ultimate challenge of parenting in the new millennium–having the courage to make the choices that will affect eternity.

About the writer: Celine Leong was born in KL, but she now lives with her family in Adelaide. This article was first published in The Star, 27 June, 2001, and then posted to HOMEFRONTIER subscribers.

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5 April 2001

Rebel Parents

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting; Values.

How many times have you heard parents ask, “Where do you find the patience to teach your own children?” It is a question that usually arises after an admission by these same parents that they could never homeschool since they lack the necessary patience quotient. Some people have it, others don’t. Period. How do you manage staying in with these kids all day, anyway? Off to a learning center then, my darlings.

Parenting flows from the heart

Once a well-known columnist in a local paper wrote to me that parenting is something that flows from the heart; unless one loved children, parenting would be a horrible burden. How ‘lucky’ our kids to have parents who are not denying them their childhood. Her words echo those of a Christian leader who advised against being dogmatic about career mothers, since there are indeed women who just couldn’t cope otherwise. As observations go, you can’t fault that I suppose.

Not being a prickly pedant myself (besides being a man), I’ll say to each her own. After all what merit is there in a stay-in mother (or father) who’s either indulgent or indifferent, or worst, who’s both? Perhaps I’m trying too hard to be inclusive, but didn’t Paul say that while one man eats everything and another only vegetables, our heavenly Father accepts them both?

A few years ago at a talk on alternative education, a father came up to me and asked if homeschooling could reform his teenager. A hulking 14-year old and perpetual truant, he had defied instruction, discipline and authority at home and school. I didn’t know what to say except to caution that homeschool doesn’t do anything unless a child respects his parent’s authority first. That means working on discipline before academics.

Compare that with a mother whose 14-year old is presently enrolled in a learning center. She had been doing poorly in conventional schools leaving the flustered Mom to turn to a center that promised low teacher-student ratio and a more interesting English-based curriculum. Now, the daughter’s not doing so good there too. Mom doesn’t have the time, and confessed that she didn’t have the patience either to relate with her. So could we arrange for her daughter to interact with other homeschooling teens so she could pick up better habits?

I wish there was a magic wand to miraculously turn the hearts of children to their parents. You know, wave it, intone the magic words “h-o-m-e-s-c-h-o-o-l,” and viola! you’re on the cover of “Teaching Home.” Oh, did I use the wrong words? How about, “l-e-a-r-n-i-n-g c-e-n-t-r-e” ?

Personal investments for a happy home

The age of instant noodles and high-speed bandwidth connections has apparently given rise to the notion that parenting is a formula or system one can purchase off the shelf. Don’t have the right stuff? Get one that fits, pay someone to do it and praise God for small mercies. Sorry. As they say, no pain, no gain. The natural response may be to balk at the personal investment required to raise kids, but Scripture doesn’t soft-peddle God’s injunctions for happy homes.

Children come packaged and labeled with a divine RDA: 100% Love, 100% Patience, 100% Attention. Okay, I may be pushing the analogy a wee bit, but you get my drift: some things are non-negotiable. Parents have to obey His word, make the time, live exemplary lives, align our desires and ambitions with God’s will for our families. Deuteronomy 6 describes a parent’s job as a moment-by-moment responsibility, while in Ephesians 6, fathers are called not to exasperate their children but to instruct them in the Lord. There is no shortcut key. Imagine husband who desires a happy marriage but admits he doesn’t have time for his wife or the patience to make it work! It doesn’t get easier with children, homeschooling or not.

So Mom stays home and rules the roost as homemaker, homeschool teacher and all. But an absentee father, busy with work, church, or golf with neither inclination nor interest in his children’s affairs isn’t doing his family any favour. Recently we were shown a birthday card designed by a child for his father. Beautifully done on the computer with quotations and cartoons, it was a touching tribute from a son to a golf-loving Dad who by all accounts was a devoted parent and loving provider. Turning to the last page however I read, “Even if you don’t spend time with me, even though you’re too busy to remember my birthday, I still think you’re the best daddy in the world!” I put the card down, momentarily jarred by the irony of it all, thinking to myself how children are so wonderfully accepting.

Parents as rebels

Neil Postman in his new book Building A Bridge To The 18th Century writes that parenting is an act of rebellion. By that he means that parents must choose to go against the grain of our age. If we care for the lives of our children, we must rebel against these callous times, in much the same way husbands and wives pledge faithfulness in our throwaway culture, in opposition to a lifestyle of instant gratification. Why God doesn’t simply zap us into shape, make us great parents, turn toady kids into handsome princes and beautiful princesses (with a hasty S.O.S prayer) is anybody’s guess.

That an astute social critic should be so emphatic about the responsibility of parents embarrasses Christians who possess God’s word but dodge its demands. Perhaps the teaching of easy triumphalism has lulled us into forgetting that Jesus’ path to glory took him down the road to Calvary first. Homeschool is no genie-in-a-bottle promising compliant sons and daughters; education is not a set curriculum or teaching methodology. The way to healthy, godly children starts with a relationship, beginning with our own with God, and then with our young.

As we approach Palm Sunday, let our hosannas ring with humble appreciation for the price our heavenly Father paid to restore fellowship with us, His prodigal sons and daughters. Now, there’s an example too big to miss. We’re on a journey of a lifetime; the is not always clear, but the sun never fails to break through. Breezes blow, invigorating and hopeful. How good it is to have the Lord with us.

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6 February 2001

It’s challenging!

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Guest Writer; Parenting.

GUEST WRITER: Celine Leslie

When most of us first started homeschooling, it became clear very quickly that the most challenging task was not the one we had anticipated. We would have asked many questions about covering the academic subjects. We would have had sleepless nights wondering if we were up to teaching physics and chemistry (or even Standard 6 Math!). We would have harboured fears about the child missing out on socialisation. We questioned our ability to draw up (and stick to) an effective daily timetable.

Yet, for many of us, the greatest challenge to emerge has been that of coping with the daily frustrations of dealing with our child’s behaviour. Your child may be utterly untidy and leave trails of belonging to show where he or she has been. Or he/she may have a fussy temperament that insists everything is done his/her way or the whole world knows about it! Perhaps your child doesn’t have the initiative that you wished he/she had, preferring to dreamily stare into space instead of “getting down to work” like you know all diligent children should. Or maybe little Chong Beng doesn’t take correction too well. Sulking and pouting for hours, he punishes his instructors for their adherence to the Word of God in correcting their child when it would have been easier to ignore the misdemeanor (read sin). Maybe it is the lack of respect shown that gets you boiling. You get the picture.

Sometimes we even begin to wonder whether we have got it right. Are our expectations too high? Is there something drastically wrong with this child? Am I reaping dysfunctional behaviour for my lack of correction or ignorance in the past? Is this a phase my child is going through? And if I listen to all the voices that are eagerly trying to get my attention, well, I would have to consider what my sister-in-law (the school teacher), mother, neighbour and uncle have all got to say. The trouble is, they are all shouting different solutions, and they can’t even agree on the problem!

I believe that we can turn to our loving Father for solutions. Over Christmas, I began to realise afresh what our perfect Father did to reach the heart of His children. We were defiant, rebellious, independent and altogether despicable in our attitude towards God. If God were like us, He would have been tearing His hair out. We would have yelled, screamed and threatened in anger and frustration. Indeed the Old Testament resonates with His pleadings, warnings, promises and shouting (holy ones!) in an effort to correct and change us.

Christmas reminds us of what He thought of us when He did what we were unwilling to do. We did not have room for Him, but He prepared rooms for us. We were unwilling to go into His presence, but He willingly entered our world. To save us, He became one of us. He EMPATHISED with us even as He instructed, corrected and showed us the way out of our mess. In the same way, I believe that parents, while they have the Biblical mandate to educate their children, earn the respect and gain the permission needed to change the hearts of their children when they show a willingness to enter into their world.

Parents, let’s follow our Father’s lead. Enter into the world of your child. No, that doesn’t mean being childish but it does mean being child-like again. (Remember your own childhood?) See things from your child’s perspective. What is the personality of your child? How has God made your child unique? What are his strengths and weaknesses? What makes your child tick? What does he/she absolutely fall in love with, and what does he/she detest? As a homeschooling parent, you have the privilege of being able to observe your child in many circumstances. That’s right – step back and study your child. Watch his/her reactions. Ask him/her why he/she reacted in a certain wayand listen, not merely to the words, but also to the heart. It may take time, but eventually, the heart of your child will become clear to you. All the while you are building the relationship, allowing kindness and respect to rule.

ENTER, EMPATHISE, ENCOURAGE. I am personally learning that these are the keywords. For if we do not enter, we will not be able to empathise. And without empathy, encouragement is not possible. Without encouragement, a child’s heart will not be open to hear your instructions. What about correction, you ask? Certainly punishment, correction, warnings and rebukes are all necessary. However, a parent’s authority is much more respected and received when the child is assured that the parent has taken the trouble to enter into his world. That child knows that the parent understands what he/she feels (that’s empathy) and that the last word will always be encouraging. I often tell myself that for every negative word spoken, I need to compensate with at least four positive ones.

Therefore, do correct and discipline, but make sure that you have first entered his/her world so you can understand where he/she is coming from. Perhaps Jenny is not so much messy as creative and creativity certainly causes mess. Perhaps the creativity can be encouraged while mess dealt with pre-determined rules. Maybe Johnny’s strong will is something the Lord can use for His glory in the future, providing he learns to obey and submit to the right authorities. It may take great patience to subdue his will, but when you empathise with him (it’s hard for him, you see), the frustration lessens while the motivation increases as you appreciate the work you are doing for the Lord in building and shaping his character.

We may even discover that we are the ones at fault. Maybe life wasn’t meant to be so serious – maybe we need to learn to laugh at ourselves. Perhaps Ai Ling hasn’t been deliberately “disobedient” in being silly and laughing – she was simply enjoying life! So let’s push ahead in entering their world. It may be God’s way of overcoming some of the frustrations of constantly being at loggerheads with our little ones. And that can be most challenging!

About the writer: Celine and her family live in Adelaide

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