Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category
4 November 2011
THIRD CULTURE KIDS SEMINAR
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Announcement; Parenting.
THIRD CULTURE KIDS PARENT SEMINAR
with CHRIS O’SHAUGHNESSY
WHEN: Saturday, November 5
TIME: 7:00-8:30 pm
WHERE: International Church @ Mont Kiara (IC@MK)
B-02-07 Gateway Kiaramas, Mont Kiara
We are located not far from Garden International School
CONTACT: Scott 016 348 2853
A Third Culture Kid himself Chris O travels and speaks internationally to parents, teachers, and friends of Third Culture Kids in an effort to better prepare them for their unique adventures of cross cultural living. There are no fees for this seminar, please come and join us and bring your friends.
21 December 2010
What does a homeschool dad do? Pt 2
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting.
Well, dad can teach – “a wee bit” – says then nine-year old Ethan.
In case you missed Ethan’s first installment on homeschooling dads, read the previous post. He concludes his 15-point homeschool dad write-up with points 9 – 15. It’s interesting to look back at how children observe and interpret what’s happening around them. Tells you how much they’re picking up cues and signals about what’s important in the family.
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Point 9: Dads can help teach, a wee bit.
Example: If his children ask him a question, he can answer. So they learn, in a way……..(by asking questions of course!)
Point 10: Dads can (or always) help support their family.
Example: This point is very useful, too. When mom’s not working, dad can go to work to earn a living for everyone. Because, without dad working, the whole family would have no money to buy food and pay taxes and the water bill, etc…
Point 11: Dads can say, “this is the limit.”
Example: This is what happened to me and Elliot, last time we could play computer anytime we wanted! But then, slowly dad controlled our computer time. And then later, he said, “No more paper aeroplanes from now on” because we were throwing it everywhere and leaving it where it was.
Point 12: Dads can buy toys for his children.
Example: Dads can do that. But he must not always buy what they want everytime! (‘cause he would go bankcrapt!)
Point 13: Dads can pray with them.
Example: When someone is sick, dads can pray with the children to heal that sick someone.
Point 14: Dads can encourage.
Example: When everyone’s playing a game, and someone is losing, dad can encourage them by saying, “don’t give up,” or, “maybe you will win,” and, “you did better!”
Point 15: Dads can love their own children!
Example: This is what most dads in homeschooling are like. They show they love their children by not sending them to school. Because if dads send their children to school they learn from their friends and teachers only, but dad said, “I don’t want to send you guys to school because we (mom and dad) want you to learn about God as well.”
17 December 2010
What does a homeschool dad do? Part 1
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting.
“What do dads do in homeschool?”
That’s a question I get asked a lot. I posed this question to my two boys and this is what then nine-year old Ethan wrote in his journal. He came up with 15 points and corresponding ‘examples.’ I’m posting Points 1 – 8 here, and you can read the rest in an upcoming post. Make sure you stick around for Part 2.
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Point 1: Dads can help discipline the children.
Example: Dads can help discipline the children when they’re bad. Dads also must be good judges to decide who is wrong and who is right, when they fight.
Point 2: Dads can get the heavy load of shouting off mom’s back by buying projects for the children to do. (That will keep them busy!)
Example: This point is very useful when mom’s sick or tired. When a dad buys a project that his kids like, it would be better for mom, ‘cause it would keep them even busier!
Point 3: Dads can help repair things in the house.
Example: Let’s say a door is spoilt (or jammed), he can fix it. But if he can’t he has to call the locksmith. But if worse comes to worse, he has to bang down the door!
Point 4: Dads can read to their children.
Example: Dads can read to their children at night before they go to bed, or when they beg for a story. But I think that made up stories by dads are better. Dads who read with expressive reading are better (also).
Point 5: Dads can discuss what they have done or seen.
Example: Like, after a movie, he can discuss about its lesson, is it a good show? Is it five stars? Or even after reading a book! Anything! Anywhere! (It’s what I like to do the best!)
Point 6: Dads can take out the whole family on holiday (to relax!)
Example: Sometimes if a dad isn’t so busy, he can take out the whole family for a holiday, if he’s nice enough to do that.
Point 7: Dads who play with their children are liked better (I think).
Example: The word ‘play’ means play computer. Just kidding! Dads can play like most animals do. That’s what I like, too. He holds us and tickles us until we cough and sputter until we can’t say, “mercy!”
Point 8: Dads can read the Bible to them and discuss about it.
Example: After reading a chapter of the Bible, dads can talk about what they have just read, or he can ask, “Any questions?”
3 May 2010
Rethinking teenage rebellion
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting.
WE HAVE ALL DONE STUPID THINGS AS TEENAGERS, some downright foolhardy, others out of sheer defiance. But I doubt anyone would recommend this phase of socialization as a necessary rite of passage. Sure it’s ‘part of growing up’ as they say. A lot of us got away unscathed, perhaps with nothing but a slap on the wrist or an afternoon in detention class to show for it. The recklessness of youth may elicit a hoot when adults get misty-eyed and wax nostalgic.
But 14-year old Aminulrasyid Amzah won’t have such good ol’ days to reminisce over.
In the early hours of Monday 29 April, the teenager was shot dead by the police after he ignored orders to stop the car he was driving. Nearly 20 shots were fired, said a news report, and one hit Aminulrasyid in the head killing him instantly.
The family is devastated. Yes, the boy had sneaked out in his sister’s car and he did not have a driving license. He was not only underage, he was out on the streets way past bed time for an early teen. There is no question that the boy had broken the law, but nothing he did demanded the police to shoot to kill.
Yet while the controversy rages, some questions are inevitable: what was a 14-year old doing driving a car so late in the night? Was this the first time, and did family members know how the teen spent his time, and with whom? By all accounts, (see here and here) Aminulrasyid was a decent kid, a good student, and a victim of a fatal midnight escapade.
Once again it takes a tragedy to remind us there’s nothing easy in raising children. Even the most attentive parents among us stumble. Every so often kids who were angels at 5 become unruly monsters at 15, catching Mom and Dad unawares. What went wrong, some of us might ask? Is it the company a teenager keeps, or is it all chemical – a combustible mix of adolescent emotions and hormones? Could it be the parents’ fault, or is it the child’s? Is teenage rebellion the result of parents who were absent or too liberal? Or is it a reaction to strict and overbearing ones? The answer could well be none of the above, or a cocktail of all of the above.
I’ve been reading Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman’s NurtureShock: New Thinking about Children. In the chapter titled the Science of Teen Rebellion, they point out that the myth of the rebellious teen years is simply that – a myth. A 2006 research estimates that actual rebellion against parents occurs only between 5-15% of the time, while the ‘raging hormones’ tag – surprise, surprise! – finds no support at all.
But here’s something else to chew over.
The authors quote Dr Nancy Darling who researched teenage rebellion and defiance in the States, Philippines, Italy, and Chile. Darling said: “Kids who go wild and get into trouble mostly have parents who don’t set rules or standards. Their parents are loving and accepting no matter what the kids do. But the kids take the lack of rules as a sign their parents don’t actually care – that their parent doesn’t really want this job of being the parent.”
There is of course a drive for autonomy during adolescence – as any parent would tell you – and therefore the tussle over authority. Yet Darling’s scholarship revealed that early adolescents want more control over their lives than late adolescents. Objection to parental authority is slightly stronger at 11 than 18, and that it actually peaks around 14 to 15.
What about nosey parents who hover over their kids with obsessive intrusion and ring the home with a bunch of rules? Well, apparently their kids aren’t rebelling. Instead they’re largely obedient. And depressed.
“Ironically, the type of parents who are actually most consistent in enforcing rules are the same parents who are most warm and have the most conversations with their kids,” Darling reported. This means parents enforce a few set rules over certain key life’s spheres, and they’ve explained why the need for them. The child understands the need to obey, and she is allowed a measure of autonomy to make her own decisions in other spheres.
Research showed that the kids of these parents lied the least, and even if they did, they hid fewer areas than those from permissive homes.
If this comes as a bit of a surprise, it’s not too late to review your parenting style. Well-behaved parents have a better chance at nurturing well-behaved kids! Indeed, parenting is all about positive influence and reinforcement of things that matter in life. May I suggest majoring on the interior stuff – things of eternal value – and not the externals? Minor on appearances, and for your kid’s sanity (and your own) don’t sweat keeping up with your neighbours. Work on relationships, and not just rules. You get that right, and everything else falls into place.
2 October 2009
Are working moms happier?
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting.
“The mother loves her child most divinely,
not when she surrounds him with comfort and anticipates his wants,
but when she resolutely holds him to the highest standards
and is content with nothing less than his best.” ~ Hamilton Wright
Should moms stay home, or go out to work?
Hmm. Way back in the days of old, it was a given for mothers to stay at home and raise kids. Who else to raise the kids if women left home? A hundred years ago education for girls was not as widespread and accessible as it is today, and there were fewer jobs for women. Some say those were less complex times, an innocent age, when it was possible to talk about finding fulfilment in living one’s life for one’s children.
Today it is almost inconceivable that women, especially well-educated ones, think about nursing children instead of advancing careers. For better or worse, life goes on. For those who juggle career and children, the competing demands of both must weigh heavy on their minds. Interestingly, a new US study says “working mothers don’t have enough time in the day and feel guiltier than stay-at-home mums, but they’re just as happy.”
Four out of every 10 say they always feel rushed, compared with a quarter of the other two groups, according to data collected by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, with 62 percent of working mothers saying they would prefer to work part-time.
Only 37 percent of working mothers would prefer to work full-time compared to 79 percent of working fathers saying they would prefer full-time work.
“But despite these pressures and conflicts, working moms, overall, are as likely as at-home moms and working dads to say they’re happy with their lives,” the researchers said in a statement.
They found 36 percent of working mothers were very happy with their lives — the same as at-home mothers — while single mothers with children aged under 18 were the least happy group.
Stay-at-home mothers rated their parenting skills more highly than their working peers, with 43 percent giving themselves a score of 9 or 10 on the job they are doing as parents. Only 33 percent of working mothers rated themselves a 9 or 10.
Read the rest here.
In a provocative new book defending stay-at-home moms titled Home-Alone America: The Hidden Toll of Day Care, Wonder Drugs, and Other Parent Substitutes, Mary Eberstadt of the Hoover Institution believes the future of our children lies with at home moms. According to her, the reasons we’re seeing more problems in today’s youths can be traced to absentee moms and dads. A review of Eberstadt’s book quotes: “Divorce and dual income, dual income and divorce,” she writes. “The refrain hums like a mantra through the literature” of dysfunctional youth.
The review goes on to say:
Eberstadt is very effective in making her case that as “more and more children have spent considerably less time in the company of their parents… the fundamental measures of their well being” have scandalously declined. For example, in the first anecdote in the book’s first chapter — about day care, which children now attend while still in their diapers — she sympathetically describes a sick toddler, who should be home in bed, spending all day at a daycare center plaintively calling for his mommy. Child-care workers report that parents who are unable or unwilling to miss a day at work often dose such youngsters with Tylenol to bring down their fevers before dropping them off at day care. Eberstadt also describes angry two- and three-year-olds who act out their aggression, and wonders about the mental state of “babies and toddlers who take up biting as a habit.”
Provocative reading for sure. You can take a look at the whole review here.
1 September 2009
Little victories, big encouragement
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: FAQ; Parenting.
[DT: Homeschool may not always be the first choice for families. Fear and anxiety are common. In this final post – the fifth in a series that began on 18 August – a homeschooling mother shares her own tentative feelings and the little victories that made her journey worthwhile.]
THIS FATHER’S POST REMINDED ME a lot of the feelings I had when we first decided to homeschool two of our five children. I prayed and cried, wondering if I was doing the right thing, not sure if I wanted to take on the difficult task of working with my two boys, wondering if I would be stunting their future. In their case, the school was unable and unwilling to work with us to meet their needs. All we wanted to do was hold them back a grade (they are twins), but the school was inflexible.
Now 4 months later, I felt it was the best decision we made, especially for them. Yes it is hard, and it is not convenient. But one of the boys who never showed any desire to read or write now cares that words are spelled correctly – a small thing but a huge victory to us, showing that he is learning to be interested in language. Once the desire is there, the other elements will fall into place.
The boys no longer cry when I correct their mistakes. If I told them their answer was not correct either verbally or in their schoolwork, they use to emotionally fall apart and say I was calling them stupid. It broke my heart for them to think that.
It has been a hard road building back their self esteem, and we are not through yet. But these little victories, the changes in attitude and for them to regain their eagerness to learn and be curious is worth every rough moment we have had.
Our original plans had been to incorporate them back into their former school after 1-2 years but I wonder if they would lose more than they would gain. It is in God’s hands and I trust that we will know what to do when the time is right. My thanks to all of you as I have read your comments and I too gained hope and encouragement from them.
Sincerely,
Juli
25 August 2009
Family on the move, and baby on the way
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: FAQ; Parenting.
“There will be a lot of adjustments when the baby comes….how will we cope?”
[DT: When a father wrote to express fears homeschooling 2 children with a third on the way, many moms sent in encouragement for him to continue and not give up. This post which is #4 in a series that began on 18 August, comes from a mom who's got more than baby on her mind, but is happily homeschooling all the same!]
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on your wife’s pregnancy! I’m presently pregnant with my 3rd child who’s due in mid December (I’m about 21 weeks along). I have 2 boys – Ian, 5+ and Pio, 2+. We’re homeschooling the Charlotte Mason way.
I understand your concerns about homeschooling, as we’re going through some big changes ourselves. We’re moving to Hanoi, Vietnam, next Saturday, and will remain there for 1 year as my husband has an assignment there. With all the packing and organizing and planning, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed … and I sometimes get ahead of myself and tend to get anxious and worried about things, especially about homeschooling.
Early next year, there’ll be a whole lot of CHANGES in our family and lifestyle – new environment & home, new baby and new ‘school’ year for Ian, who will be 6 yrs, like your eldest son. We’ve never had a hired domestic helper (well, I have 3 non-hired ones actually — my 2 boys and my husband haha!), and do not plan to have any in the future. I believe that EDUCATION is MUCH more than just the academics – a child must learn the basics of life, especially on how to take care of himself and others, and these are best learned at home, through every day routines and house chores, etc.
I agree with the other homeschoolers who have replied your email – a child can LEARN anytime, anywhere, anyhow – and everything is an opportunity for learning. Even though I know that our homeschool next year will NOT be a typical ‘school year’, I am sure that my children will get the best out of everything.
Having said that, once all the packing and organizing were done, I seized the opportunity to plan out our Year 1 (Gr 1 for age 6-7). I’ve gathered all the books and materials that we need for each subject and came up with a schedule system that is flexible enough to be modified easily. That way, when baby is born, I can fully concentrate on breastfeeding (which, by the way, makes life so much easier for everyone, especially mommy! not to mention that it is the best food for baby) WHILE homeschooling the 6-year-old. The 3-yr-old tags along in our homeschool lessons (which are done as informally as possible for children of these young ages) if he wants to — If he doesn’t, I have ‘activity boxes’ (Duplos, playdoh, art supplies, etc) to keep him occupied while I do a lesson with his older brother.
You must keep in mind that homeschooling is NOT “school at home” It is actually EDUCATING the child in the HEART OF THE HOME, in the domestic church, which is the FAMILY. The best part of homeschooling is that we can make it as flexible as we want it to be, all the while, enjoying each other’s presence and building strong bonds and relationships within the family. It’s always the toughest during the beginning phase, but it will soon become second nature. I am inspired by many homeschooling families overseas who have 7-10 children and no helpers, and they’re having the time of their lives homeschooling! The support that I’ve gotten from these veteran homeschoolers have really kept me going, especially when there’re any uncertainty or self-doubt.
If you like, I would be more than happy to share with you our lesson plan outline for our 6-yr-old next year, and the schedule planners and templates which you and your wife can modify easily for your own usage. I kept our schedule very light next year, as the main priority is to spend time together as a family with new baby. As “light” as it is, I do not believe that our homeschool schedule will “shortchange” my son in any way, as it is very rich and full of life. That’s another great thing about homeschooling – we can focus on what we believe is important and limit those that we believe are not!
I just want to affirm you in your decision to homeschool your children – it is a decision that you will not regret! Despite all the challenges and a new learning curve, you, your wife and your children will be having the most wonderful time of your lives!
GOD BLESS!
Dominique
21 August 2009
Very pregnant. And still homeschooling.
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: FAQ; Parenting.
“Help! We’ve got 2 kids, and my wife’s pregnant. Should we just quit homeschooling?”
[DT: It's not uncommon for homeschooling dads to get nervous when baby's on the way. In her reply to this anxious dad, a mother of 4 shares what she believes is the heart of homeschool and what her family did when she was expecting. This encouraging testimony is #3 in a series of responses that I began posting on 18 August]
I ALSO GRAPPLE with personal insecurities every now and then. During such times I do lose sight of God’s purpose for me, but as I watch my children grow, and reflect, I’ve so much to thank God for 
I’ve 4 kids (ages 11, 10, 6 and 1+) so I know the needs are real and can be overwhelming. Although homeschooling has not been always easy, it is not impossible either. My husband and I planted a new church last year, and my youngest was born in the same year. Busy is an understatement. I’ve no word to describe it, but God was our strength and his grace was sufficient.
With every pregnancy and birth in the family (two of my kids were premature babes) my children continued learning. Each time, learning took on a different form but the process still went on! Nevertheless, one lesson stood out every time: SERVICE ABOVE SELF. No matter their age, I’ve observed my children have learnt to be selfless and serve the new baby and their mum with love and respect. Along the way, they have become more independent conquering new tasks.
Last year, my girls began a project on “babies” during my pregnancy. Then during my confinement month, they did intense research all by themselves – books, internet, discussing issues with adults – to come up with a lapbook each. They kept adding more information as they went along and finally on their baby brother’s 1st birthday this year they presented their project to him and all of us in the family.
The girls’ lapbooks had a song they composed while baby was still in the tummy, stories they wrote, a slideshow of baby’s milestones, interesting facts on reproduction, breastfeeding, babywearing, and puberty. They also put up posters and mini-display booths on nutrition, cloth diapers and sarong-slings, etc for viewing. That was something for my father-in-law who remains very skeptical about homeschool even after all these years! None of my kids went to public school, and to think that they did the lapbooks all by themselves as a gift for their l’il brother.
When the girls were younger (under 6), we just read a lot, played a lot, and we talked a lot about whatever was happening around us (we still do all that). As you can see, learning is not confined to textbooks and workbooks alone. If we duplicate the school system at home, we miss the true essence of homeschool. It will really be good for you and your spouse to really understand its essence and KNOW your motivation behind your decision to homeschool.
Seek God daily to keep your focus and purpose, as well as creativity and opportunity to enhance the learning process. God is so ready to give. We have never lacked resources (we don’t even buy a curriculum) and strength. Did I say strength? Oh, how we all need it, but not our own but God’s divine provision upon whom we depend totally.
You will be in my prayers
Selina
19 August 2009
Homeschooling when baby makes 4
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: FAQ; Parenting.
[DT: What happens to homeschool when baby arrives? Time to hunker down or throw in the towel? This mom of 4 tells how she worked things out without giving homeschool up. This is post #2 in a series - see previous post - of wonderful testimonies taken from our HOMEFRONTIER forum]
I HAVE BEEN HOMESCHOOLING MY KIDS FOR 3 YEARS. I too panicked when I heard that I was pregnant with number 4. I wondered how I would cope with a 2yo who thinks he is Wolverine, a 4yo who still needs help in the toilet, and a 10yo reaching puberty (aiyoyo!). I could barely keep awake from sleepless nights, breastfeeding, and recovering from all that needed doing, but things did eventually work out!
Here’s what I did before baby was born:
1. Put kids in age-appropriate playgroups
I noticed my kids could play and form better friendships with others their age. Since there was none near my home and I didn’t have a car to zoom around, I formed 2 playgroups at home: one for my 11yo and another for my 3 and 5yo. When the kids came over they got to play and I got to take a breather. My 5yo found his best friend this way and now they are inseparable.
2. Lessen emphasis on academics
Workbooks and all that can wait. Having a new baby is a wonderful opportunity to introduce your kids to biology at work. I took my kids to the O&G clinic, they saw me get an ultrasound and take a blood test, and listened as my doctor interpreted the scan. They examined my growing tummy, and later after baby was delivered they prodded my deflated stomach, and watched as I breastfed the baby. Along the way the kids asked questions and that’s how learning took place.
3. Lessen my own workload
I formed a cooperative learning group. My 11yo learnt the violin at her friend’s house and took lessons from another 11-year old on Thursdays. That’s where she picked up badminton as well and now she’s keen for more training. Once a month she joined a study group in the home of another friend whose dad would teach whatever was the flavour of the month. This month her friend’s dad will be taking them all to the museum to learn about the Emergency (a pet topic of this dad).
Also, the parents that I have met through HOMEFRONTIER and MALHEN have been enormously supportive and my kids have benefited greatly from socializing with other families.
Hope this helps.
Yuling
18 August 2009
Giving up homeschool
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: FAQ; Parenting.
Your wife has her hands full with two children under 6 years, and now she’s pregnant with the third child. You think to yourself: perhaps homeschool isn’t such a good idea after all. You don’t think she can cope; you’re not even sure if you can cope either. Now you’re thinking about calling the whole thing off and send the kids to a school or a learning center….
[DT: The scenario is real. After sharing his honest feelings on our HOMEFRONTIER forum, a father receives testimony after testimony from moms who think homeschool is too good to give up on. They were so encouraging I decided to edit excerpts from among the several to share. Here's the first.]
CONGRATULATIONS on your wife’s pregnancy. With 2 boys and one more on the way, I can understand your skepticism – they can be quite a handful! Though my homeschooling journey hasn’t been that far along, I was compelled to reply when I read your post: “Thinking of giving up homeschooling…?”
For me homeschooling has never been a concept or method, but a lifestyle. It isn’t ‘school-at-home’ but an opportunity to involve myself with my children (d-10 and s-5 years) and facilitate their learning in every avenue of their lives. It is me growing with my kids and learning with them, and from them.
I work from home and I too don’t have a domestic helper. It seemed hard at first trying to fit everything in a ‘set schedule’ but finally I gave up trying. We can never fit life into a set schedule. While my daughter has a slightly more defined ‘learning path‘, my son’s learning revolves more around his life and my own. So when I’m working, he tries to read some of my stuff, or plays in the same room where I’m ironing. I play games together with him, and in the evenings we take walks in the park. The fact is, children learn all the time and it doesn’t necessarily happen at the kitchen table when ‘school is in session’.
With a new baby in the home, there’s plenty of learning opportunities i.e. from the feeding pattern of a baby, your children learn about time; if your baby is breastfed, they could learn about nutrition and how breast milk promotes health; and if baby is bottle-fed, they learn measurements (how much powder to how much water in baby’s bottle). There are also learning opportunities in bathing the baby and her nap times in which you would have unconsciously incorporated science, math, personal hygiene, daily life-skills, and more.
This is just a tiny example of what you can do in your homeschooling life, and the possibilities are endless. The internet is also an infinite resource for research into all the things you can do as you homeschool through this period of your life. I do hope you and your wife can see homeschooling in a different light and reconsider. Your children will thank you for it.
All the best,
Sweeyen