20 September 2002

7 Habits of Highly Effective Families

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Book Review; Guest Writer.

GUEST WRITER: Celine Leslie

Some readers may recognise the author from his previous book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. This highly acclaimed and well-received management book contains in-depth insights into keys for more effective living. Although it was written primarily as a management tool, the principles outlined are applicable to people from all walks of life. In fact, most of Covey’s examples are from real-life family situations. It is therefore no surprise that he follows up with another gem of a book, this time directed specifically at family living.

Using the same seven habits of his first book, but applied to family life, Covey has created an inspiring, challenging and highly readable practical manual for developing and maintaining “highly effective” family living. While the definition of “highly effective” is not pursued rigorously, it is taken for granted that most of us, Christian or otherwise, desire strong, healthy, family relationships. Whether we live in a healthy family atmosphere or not, we instinctively know that the really important things in life at the end of the day have to do with building and maintaining lasting, strong, fruitful family ties. The book does not assume the background of the reader and applies even to singles who have not started their own family but wish to apply these principles to their adult family situations.

Each chapter is filled with real-life examples, many of them Covey’s own. He is down-to-earth and honest, never presenting the picture of that “out-of-reach” perfect family. His language is practical and sometimes humorous, almost always inspiring. His ability to “peel” and explore the depths of the principles (which at first glance, are obvious and indisputable), suggesting applications in diverse situations, is outstanding. At the end of each chapter, there are study questions for discussion with family members, with a section for those with young children.

While the market is saturated with books to help families, I don’t think I have come across a more readable, digestible, practical and challenging book that addresses many core issues of family living. Covey does not take an overtly Christian viewpoint, although he makes it clear that he is personally guided by spiritual principles. It is not obvious from his writings that he is a Mormon, but I don’t find anything objectionable in his book.

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16 July 2002

Kids’ Stuff

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Guest Writer; Parenting.

GUEST WRITER: Kimberly Lee

“In our pursuit to provide our kids with things that we did not have when we were young, let us not forget to give our kids what we once had when we were kids”, was part of the message from our last Sunday Service.

These words spoke volumes about the kind of things that I wish to impart to my kids. We have two pre-school kids – Allyn is 5 and Aidan is 3.5. I, for one had fond memories of my childhood. My daddy is a good artist; he draws and paints very well. We had 4 siblings in the family. When I was growing up we hardly had toys or new clothes. But we were never short of paint – oil, pastel, water-colour, charcoal, etc. My daddy taught us something that he knew best – how to draw and paint.

I remember how I used to draw a rat and painted it red. This would annoy my teacher. She would try to persuade and reason with me why my rat should be black. I would simply reply that, ” My daddy says I can use any colour that I like. It’s just an expression.” And I still hold true to what my dear father said, this time with my very own kids. One day, I found my daughter colouring her monkey green!!!

A lot of things that I do with my kids revolve around the environment & nature. I do teach them a certain amount of academics, but I try to keep these within the context of the themes that we are pursuing. Among the activities that keep us busy at home include:

1. Nature themes – insects, birds
We would catch the different insects that come into our home and study them – ‘lab within the home’. The kids will get to feed the insects with different kinds of food and determine what kind of food suits the insects best. Once we had a cricket and it made so much noise at night that daddy had to leave it outside the house. We then read up more on crickets and found that the noise produced by a cricket corresponds with its surrounding temperature. That night the kids took the cricket into their air-conditioned room and it was a restful night for everybody.

One of the most recent projects is growing vegetables. We have already managed to get some seeds and styrofoam boxes. And we are looking forward to putting the soil in.

2. Nature walks
We love learning about the names of flowers and trees. We make occasional mini-trips (usually 1 – 1.5 hrs) to the Botanical Gardens covering a different section of the garden at a time – rainforest trail, palm gardens, cactus garden, flower gardens, etc.

The highlight of our trips is the information stall at the Gardens. The kids would get an ice- cream each as we talk to members of the `Friends of the Botanical Society’ raising questions about things we have seen. We would often pick up an item (dry leave, flower or ticket stub) for the kids’ journals.

Aidan isn’t really writing yet; but a small memento such as these usually stays in his memory for a good long time.

3. Field trips
I was away for a 4-day seminar recently so my husband took the opportunity to bring our kids back to his ‘kampung’ in Seremban. He wanted to show them his own ‘childhood experiences.’ The kids went to a waterfall/brook where their daddy used to visit when he was a child. They also had a chance to visit an ostrich farm and a museum.

Back at home in Penang, the kids love to ride with daddy in his truck for short drives. Recently they went to a durian orchard. Since the beach is also fairly near our home, we often go for a stroll together as a family, or sometimes fly a kite.

4. Library/bookshops
The Children’s Library is a stone’s throw away from our home. Tuesday is our library day. We read in the library as well as borrow books to bring home. Sometimes we go to a bookshop that has an inviting and child-friendly kids’ section.

By and large we do a lot of reading together. This is probably one of the most inexpensive yet fun activities for the kids. Although I am quite flexible with our reading schedule, we have stipulated times set aside just for this purpose: 3.00- 4.30 pm (that’s mommy’s wind-down time!!). After reading to the kids (usually a book each), I will read my own stuff and take a snooze!!

Bedtime stories & prayer is another ritual which is religiously observed in our home. One night Allyn fell asleep without her regular story & prayer. She got up at 2 am, stormed into our room and demanded her story and prayer!

5. Swimming/cycling
Friday afternoons are swimming days. Our kids usually meet up with 1 or 2 other homeschooling families to swim in the pool at one of the homes. Other times we just cycle in the park, or to each other’s home.

6. Art/craft
The kids’ art & craft materials are organised in a plastic 4-tier mini chest of drawers. We also custom-made a Montessori table (with laminated top for easy cleaning) which seats 4 kids (or adults) comfortably. The kids usually access these art materials themselves and work independently at the table. This activity is definitely one of their favourites.

Very often I have to make use of this ‘activity’ to lead them into academics. E.g.: Yesterday, we did a craft on snails. As part of the vocabulary building exercise, the kids were introduced to all the different words related to snails – glide, shell, tentacles, slimy, etc. I also taught Allyn to decode these words phonetically as she heard them. She also made up a story based on the different snails she made. I wrote out the story for her leaving out words which were part of the decoding exercise that we worked on earlier. She filled in these missing words and sketched some pictures to illustrate the story. So there we have a story “Happy Snail & Sad Snail” composed & illustrated by Allyn (albeit, dictated to and written by Mom!), which makes her simply eager to read the story to her brother.

7. Songs/music
My husband and I are neither musicians nor singers. Fortunately there are these glorified appliances with sing-along tunes called CDs and videos. Our kids simply learn by just listening and singing along. Allyn sometimes amazes us by doing simple dance steps from the videos. Their favourite video is “Hi-5″ an Australian music production.

Our kids do not speak a lot of Chinese at home but they are able to sing a few Chinese scripture choruses after listening a few times to a tape. Another tape series that’s good for memory verses is Steve Green’s “Hide Them in Your Heart.”

I also pin up a 7-verses-a-week chart for the kids. Everyday they (Aidan, least of all) would read out a verse from the chart. Usually the chart will be up for at least a month. But I am more interested that our children understand the verses fully before we move on.

In short, we are busy all the time.

About the writer: Kimberly and her family lived in Penang at the time of writing.

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4 July 2001

Coming full circle

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Guest Writer; Parenting.

GUEST WRITER: Celine Leong

It may be the year 2001, but one wonders if mothers in the new millennium are any more enlightened about motherhood than their mothers were. From the second half of the 20th century, women began to break free from the traditional paradigm of motherhood–that of being at home with the children.

Leading women activists were arguing for the right of mothers to find expression of identity and self-worth away from the kitchen sink. At the same time, women were getting more educated and gaining qualification in areas previously dominated by men. This led to a surge of women in the workforce.

Mothers found themselves juggling between their roles of primary carers of their children and shakers of the corporate world. While some worked for financial reasons, many were seeking self-fulfilment, and still others may have felt an irresistible urge to meet the challenge of trying to be a supermum.

One generation later, the typical working mother is now more stressed than ever, having to maintain the dual role of managing the household (albeit with the help of maids or in-laws, with their own set of problems) and being a conscientious employee.

Furthermore, she faces the mental pressure of guilt (about not spending enough time with the children), resentment (at having to sacrifice more than other members of the household) and sheer fatigue.

Instead of making huge strides in being liberated from the shackles of the past, women today are no closer to finding a satisfactory answer to the dilemma of spending quality time with family and advancing in their career.

Greater male participation in the sharing of household duties has been advocated but, in reality, this is unlikely to happen. For some, the only solution seems to be a compromise of postponing marriage and/or children. This, however, postpones rather than solves the problem, not to mention the additional battle with the biological clock.

Perhaps the underlying reason for the struggle to have it all is the slow but sure shift in values. In the past, children were a highly prized part of the community, with prosperity often being measured by the abundance of descendants.

However, the progress of the last century has brought with it the scourge of materialism. Children now compete with the other ornaments we accumulate to flaunt our status in society.Asians today will consider being childless if it means interfering with their lifestyle. In our unashamedly feverish acquisition of the symbols of success (cash, career, condo, etc), we often neglect our children.

Admittedly some mothers ease their conscience by decreasing their hours of work, but most are still reluctant to sacrifice their career for what is perceived as the menial task of child-rearing. The fear of isolation, low worth, insufficient intellectual stimulation and loss of financial independence are factors weighing against a woman’s decision to spend more time at home.

My own struggle with this issue arose when I had my first child 10 years ago. Could I (or should I) be a supermum? An achiever by nature, I was an engineering graduate with a rewarding career and an earning potential that exceeded that of my husband’s. Naturally I also wanted the best for my daughter. However, my husband had resigned from his position when I was pregnant, and although this had its advantages (he spent a lot of time with our newborn), the financial pressure we were under dictated my choice to continue work, at least on a part-time basis.

Eventually, acknowledging God as the originator of families, I began searching His blueprint for successful mothering.

What I discovered was the extremely high value He places on children, giving them to us as our heritage. A heritage, being more than a gift, is an inheritance that lasts forever. Therefore, the task of nurturing children is a privileged one, requiring focused attention and effort.

A mother who chooses to fulfil her destiny as the shaper of the next generation cannot fail to find significance in that role. Consider the ridiculous scenario of pitying poor Tiger Woods for being tied to the golf course, unable to party or enjoy =ife. One sees the arduous nature of his work, the constraints it puts on him and the sacrifices he has had to make along the way.

Yet he makes a deliberate choice to live that way because of the value he places on the attainment of golfing excellence. The trophies that await him motivate him to a lifestyle monotonous and restrictive to others, yet pleasurable and exciting in its ability to direct him towards his goals.

In a similar way, a mother who values her treasures in her home gladly makes the sacrifices needed to attain parental excellence. The trophies involved are that of children who are loving, mature and able to leave a positive mark on their society.

While not wanting to gloss over the complexities of this issue by giving trite answers, I can only testify of the freedom that came with pursuing full-time motherhood. No longer a mindless slave to the trends of society, I found myself released to follow what seems natural to a mother’s heart. Fears of entrapment, boredom and poverty proved to be unfounded. It has been an adventure of growth for mother and children alike.

Four children later, I am still relishing the joys of this lifestyle, meeting each crisis with the assurance of long-term rewards. Even through the unexpected death of my fourth child, Kyle, last November, I am able to be thankful for the privilege of having looked after him for his short lifespan of two years.

His departure has only confirmed the importance of relationships over possessions, hence the need to savour every moment with our little ones. While that is another story in itself, Kyle’s death has been a stark reminder of our mortality, adding to the resolve of parenting with eternal values in mind.

That, perhaps, is the ultimate challenge of parenting in the new millennium–having the courage to make the choices that will affect eternity.

About the writer: Celine Leong was born in KL, but she now lives with her family in Adelaide. This article was first published in The Star, 27 June, 2001, and then posted to HOMEFRONTIER subscribers.

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7 March 2001

Timely Tips for Homeschoolers

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Guest Writer; Values.

Guest Writer: Celine Leslie

Although many miles separate us, I feel a oneness in my heart with you, the home-educators of Malaysia and Singapore. Some of you know that our precious little boy, Kyle, went to be with the Lord in November 2000, but we are still left with 3 equally precious gifts whom we continue to home-educate. Actually, they are more than gifts, they are our heritage (Ps 127:4). Gifts may be temporary, but a heritage lasts forever.

Friends, we may not see the results of our sweat and tears in the near future, but rest assured that the seeds that we sow into their lives will bear fruit for eternity. Unlike athletes that train in order to attain short term glory, we make ourselves fit for a task that has far-reaching effects – that of laying the foundation for the future generations.

Not being a structured person by nature, organisational skills are not part of my forte and I have had to work at learning how to be more efficient. Many mothers have lamented that were it not for their lack of such skills, they would consider the option of homeschooling. Homeschooling certainly has a way of forcing us to be more efficient in our use of time and resources. May I encourage you, wherever you are at, to work at this – don’t compare yourself to anyone else, but work at making small steps of improvement.

Here are some tips on the use of time.

Prioritise: We are to be accountable to the Lord for our use of time, so we need to be careful about prioritising. It would help to see where we are at by recording what we do for a week. Use the categories of Sleep, Eat, Work (incl housework, preparing schoolwork), Spiritual Activities (visiting, preparing sunday school, etc.), Church Attendance, Personal Devotion/prayer, Entertainment and Leisure (with children/spouse). Maybe driving should be a category by itself, judging from the traffic in KL!

Economise: We can learn to economise our use of time, by cutting down on time-wasters. Eg. can we make less shopping trips and make sure that we do as much as possible everytime we have to go out in the car? Be brutal with the use of the phone (unhook it in the morning). Instead of watching the TV, read a good book with the children (it will feed their minds much more than the contents in the so-called textbooks).

Maximise: Kill two birds with one stone whenever possible. Talk to the children when you are driving. Learn the times tables in the car. When you are cooking, get the children to help, even if it takes longer. In the long run, they will learn to love cooking and help save you time! If you are having trouble finding time for individual devotional time with each child, do it when you are putting them to bed. Have a memory verse to go through each week and do it with them at that time. Pick themes for your verses, according to their needs, eg. forgiveness, overcoming fear, being kind, etc.

Organise: Insist that all the family write down appointments on the family calendar as soon as anything is confirmed. That way you won’t forget upcoming events. Do your exercises as part of daily activities, eg. when the children have their play time, you can do your jumping on a little trampoline, or have family walks every evening, or when everyone is watching the news, do your stretching then. I do ankle exercises when I’m brushing my teeth! The important thing is to plan the time, then apply yourself to do it. There are many daily and weekly planners available – find one that suits you. It only takes 4 weeks to form a new habit, so with the Lord’s help, changes are possible.

Have you any tips that have helped your family? Maybe you’d like to share them too. I would personally love to hear about what works for other families and my ears are forever trying to pick up new ideas.

About the Writer: Malaysian-born Celine and her family reside and homeschool in Adelaide.

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6 February 2001

It’s challenging!

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Guest Writer; Parenting.

GUEST WRITER: Celine Leslie

When most of us first started homeschooling, it became clear very quickly that the most challenging task was not the one we had anticipated. We would have asked many questions about covering the academic subjects. We would have had sleepless nights wondering if we were up to teaching physics and chemistry (or even Standard 6 Math!). We would have harboured fears about the child missing out on socialisation. We questioned our ability to draw up (and stick to) an effective daily timetable.

Yet, for many of us, the greatest challenge to emerge has been that of coping with the daily frustrations of dealing with our child’s behaviour. Your child may be utterly untidy and leave trails of belonging to show where he or she has been. Or he/she may have a fussy temperament that insists everything is done his/her way or the whole world knows about it! Perhaps your child doesn’t have the initiative that you wished he/she had, preferring to dreamily stare into space instead of “getting down to work” like you know all diligent children should. Or maybe little Chong Beng doesn’t take correction too well. Sulking and pouting for hours, he punishes his instructors for their adherence to the Word of God in correcting their child when it would have been easier to ignore the misdemeanor (read sin). Maybe it is the lack of respect shown that gets you boiling. You get the picture.

Sometimes we even begin to wonder whether we have got it right. Are our expectations too high? Is there something drastically wrong with this child? Am I reaping dysfunctional behaviour for my lack of correction or ignorance in the past? Is this a phase my child is going through? And if I listen to all the voices that are eagerly trying to get my attention, well, I would have to consider what my sister-in-law (the school teacher), mother, neighbour and uncle have all got to say. The trouble is, they are all shouting different solutions, and they can’t even agree on the problem!

I believe that we can turn to our loving Father for solutions. Over Christmas, I began to realise afresh what our perfect Father did to reach the heart of His children. We were defiant, rebellious, independent and altogether despicable in our attitude towards God. If God were like us, He would have been tearing His hair out. We would have yelled, screamed and threatened in anger and frustration. Indeed the Old Testament resonates with His pleadings, warnings, promises and shouting (holy ones!) in an effort to correct and change us.

Christmas reminds us of what He thought of us when He did what we were unwilling to do. We did not have room for Him, but He prepared rooms for us. We were unwilling to go into His presence, but He willingly entered our world. To save us, He became one of us. He EMPATHISED with us even as He instructed, corrected and showed us the way out of our mess. In the same way, I believe that parents, while they have the Biblical mandate to educate their children, earn the respect and gain the permission needed to change the hearts of their children when they show a willingness to enter into their world.

Parents, let’s follow our Father’s lead. Enter into the world of your child. No, that doesn’t mean being childish but it does mean being child-like again. (Remember your own childhood?) See things from your child’s perspective. What is the personality of your child? How has God made your child unique? What are his strengths and weaknesses? What makes your child tick? What does he/she absolutely fall in love with, and what does he/she detest? As a homeschooling parent, you have the privilege of being able to observe your child in many circumstances. That’s right – step back and study your child. Watch his/her reactions. Ask him/her why he/she reacted in a certain wayand listen, not merely to the words, but also to the heart. It may take time, but eventually, the heart of your child will become clear to you. All the while you are building the relationship, allowing kindness and respect to rule.

ENTER, EMPATHISE, ENCOURAGE. I am personally learning that these are the keywords. For if we do not enter, we will not be able to empathise. And without empathy, encouragement is not possible. Without encouragement, a child’s heart will not be open to hear your instructions. What about correction, you ask? Certainly punishment, correction, warnings and rebukes are all necessary. However, a parent’s authority is much more respected and received when the child is assured that the parent has taken the trouble to enter into his world. That child knows that the parent understands what he/she feels (that’s empathy) and that the last word will always be encouraging. I often tell myself that for every negative word spoken, I need to compensate with at least four positive ones.

Therefore, do correct and discipline, but make sure that you have first entered his/her world so you can understand where he/she is coming from. Perhaps Jenny is not so much messy as creative and creativity certainly causes mess. Perhaps the creativity can be encouraged while mess dealt with pre-determined rules. Maybe Johnny’s strong will is something the Lord can use for His glory in the future, providing he learns to obey and submit to the right authorities. It may take great patience to subdue his will, but when you empathise with him (it’s hard for him, you see), the frustration lessens while the motivation increases as you appreciate the work you are doing for the Lord in building and shaping his character.

We may even discover that we are the ones at fault. Maybe life wasn’t meant to be so serious – maybe we need to learn to laugh at ourselves. Perhaps Ai Ling hasn’t been deliberately “disobedient” in being silly and laughing – she was simply enjoying life! So let’s push ahead in entering their world. It may be God’s way of overcoming some of the frustrations of constantly being at loggerheads with our little ones. And that can be most challenging!

About the writer: Celine and her family live in Adelaide

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10 July 2000

What really counts ultimately

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Guest Writer; Values.

GUEST WRITER: EVELYN SEOW

I don’t believe it! My first-born is graduating from homeschool after all these years of walking by faith. For years, I was concerned whether I was teaching her enough and if she was up to standard. The piles of reference books, tapes, videos, curricula, tests, fears & tears are now but a memory. And of course there were those agonizing days when I fell on my knees and prayed, “Dear Lord please show me how to guide & teach my children correctly. Reveal to me the best educational methods, curriculum, and books. HELP!”

It’s year 2000 now, and I wonder why my confidence in homeschooling was so shaky. As Prisca is packing to leave for the US, tears are just welling in my eyes. Oh how I wish I had more time with her. It seemed like yesterday when I cradled her in my arms and prayed that she would grow up to be a mighty woman of God and a nation changer, touching multitudes with her life.

The time has come to release her, and God is reminding me that her life belongs to Him. He has opened wide the door for her to go to Oral Roberts University in the United States and has blessed her with more scholarships than we could ever imagine. Although I no longer worry or doubt if it is God’s will for her to go in this direction, I constantly wonder whether I have prepared her well enough. At least I know I did give her my very best!

Well, I want to share from my heart what I have learnt through my homeschooling journey. First of all, we need to understand that God has placed specific gifts in our children. We just need to discover their talents and develop them for His kingdom. Encourage them to excel in them, even though they may not seem very promising. The more we go against the way God has made our children, the more we place unnecessary burdens upon ourselves. Worse still, we discourage our kids and indirectly hinder them from reaching their full potential.

I must admit I was guilty of stifling one of Prisca’s God-given talents. When she was in Grade 5, I was really worried about her unusual way of journaling. Instead of writing, she would draw cartoon strips in them. They were cute and funny, but after consulting with several Education professors, I resolved to put a stop to her childish work and demanded that she communicated her thoughts in writing. Wasn’t I harsh? Seven years later, I realise how I missed my opportunity to capitalise on that talent. When she applied for her academic scholarship, she was required to submit a project. You guessed it: her project was a complete book of cartoons! The scholarship board especially loved the cartoons and awarded her the Regent Scholarship and a couple others as well.

Below are several pointers which I hope will be beneficial to you in your own homeschool journey.

1) Love:
Use every opportunity to show love to your children, both physically and emotionally. We often forget that they won’t be under our parental care for long. If it were possible, I would want to go back to the many occasions when I should have hugged Prisca. I used to think that she had outgrown demonstrations of physical affection and was too matured to be cuddled. Not true!

2) Discipline:
Discipline your children out of love and never out of anger. I know that it is all too easy to get worked up and frustrated, but this can be avoided if we see beyond the natural and look at the big picture of our children’s lives. Many a time we try to mould our children into what we want them to be. Instead, we ought to understand theirunique personalities, temperaments, learning styles, and special talents.

3) Discipleship:
The main reason why we homeschooled was because we wanted to disciple and mentor our girls on a daily basis. We currently apportion an hour and a half of our morning for Bible study and family devotions. We do not use any Bible study materials – we merely read straight from the Word and expound on it. We also spend ten minutes journaling what God has spoken to us. This has not only sharpened the girls’ writing and thinking skills, but it has also caused them to grow spiritually. You’ll be amazed at the profound insights your children can come up with when they are made to write.

In addition, my girls have to memorise the Psalms and recite them verbatim to me. We have almost finished the entire book. If only we had been more diligent, we might have finished memorising the entire New Testament. You might want to try that!

4) Academics:
There are so many curricula on the market nowadays. It is so easy to get overwhelmed and confused. Every curriculum claims to be the best and you feel like you’re lost at sea. I faced that problem too. Prisca was the “curriculum” guinea pig in our family. Well, we all do make mistakes. The important thing is to find what works for your child and then stick to it. Your friends will offer various advice, but don’t get swayed! Do remember to keep all career options open as most children are too young to know what they really want to do.

5) Keeping Records:
If you are considering the option of sending your child to university, it is essential to keep records of basically everything. Most US universities require the minimum of Grade 9-12 transcripts, but they also look out for other extracurricular records and certificates in your portfolio, especially if you are a homeschooler. When Prisca applied for her scholarship, she realised how invaluable all the photos of her activities, travels, mission trips and ministry work were. She was also very thankful that she had kept her records properly and dated and filed her work in a systematic way.

Though, homeschooling is challenging, it has also been fulfilling. Despite all my shortcomings, God remained faithful. A few weeks ago, I got my daughters to share a little something as an introduction to my Sunday sermon. After the service, a youth came up to me and said, “Aunty Evelyn, we don’t laugh at homeschooling any more. In the past, we all did.”  Sounds familiar?

About the writer: Ex-Malaysians Evelyn and her husband Roland are pioneer pastors of a church in Melbourne, Australia.

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