Rethinking teenage rebellion
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting on 3 May 2010.
WE HAVE ALL DONE STUPID THINGS AS TEENAGERS, some downright foolhardy, others out of sheer defiance. But I doubt anyone would recommend this phase of socialization as a necessary rite of passage. Sure it’s ‘part of growing up’ as they say. A lot of us got away unscathed, perhaps with nothing but a slap on the wrist or an afternoon in detention class to show for it. The recklessness of youth may elicit a hoot when adults get misty-eyed and wax nostalgic.
But 14-year old Aminulrasyid Amzah won’t have such good ol’ days to reminisce over.
In the early hours of Monday 29 April, the teenager was shot dead by the police after he ignored orders to stop the car he was driving. Nearly 20 shots were fired, said a news report, and one hit Aminulrasyid in the head killing him instantly.
The family is devastated. Yes, the boy had sneaked out in his sister’s car and he did not have a driving license. He was not only underage, he was out on the streets way past bed time for an early teen. There is no question that the boy had broken the law, but nothing he did demanded the police to shoot to kill.
Yet while the controversy rages, some questions are inevitable: what was a 14-year old doing driving a car so late in the night? Was this the first time, and did family members know how the teen spent his time, and with whom? By all accounts, (see here and here) Aminulrasyid was a decent kid, a good student, and a victim of a fatal midnight escapade.
Once again it takes a tragedy to remind us there’s nothing easy in raising children. Even the most attentive parents among us stumble. Every so often kids who were angels at 5 become unruly monsters at 15, catching Mom and Dad unawares. What went wrong, some of us might ask? Is it the company a teenager keeps, or is it all chemical – a combustible mix of adolescent emotions and hormones? Could it be the parents’ fault, or is it the child’s? Is teenage rebellion the result of parents who were absent or too liberal? Or is it a reaction to strict and overbearing ones? The answer could well be none of the above, or a cocktail of all of the above.
I’ve been reading Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman’s NurtureShock: New Thinking about Children. In the chapter titled the Science of Teen Rebellion, they point out that the myth of the rebellious teen years is simply that – a myth. A 2006 research estimates that actual rebellion against parents occurs only between 5-15% of the time, while the ‘raging hormones’ tag – surprise, surprise! – finds no support at all.
But here’s something else to chew over.
The authors quote Dr Nancy Darling who researched teenage rebellion and defiance in the States, Philippines, Italy, and Chile. Darling said: “Kids who go wild and get into trouble mostly have parents who don’t set rules or standards. Their parents are loving and accepting no matter what the kids do. But the kids take the lack of rules as a sign their parents don’t actually care – that their parent doesn’t really want this job of being the parent.”
There is of course a drive for autonomy during adolescence – as any parent would tell you – and therefore the tussle over authority. Yet Darling’s scholarship revealed that early adolescents want more control over their lives than late adolescents. Objection to parental authority is slightly stronger at 11 than 18, and that it actually peaks around 14 to 15.
What about nosey parents who hover over their kids with obsessive intrusion and ring the home with a bunch of rules? Well, apparently their kids aren’t rebelling. Instead they’re largely obedient. And depressed.
“Ironically, the type of parents who are actually most consistent in enforcing rules are the same parents who are most warm and have the most conversations with their kids,” Darling reported. This means parents enforce a few set rules over certain key life’s spheres, and they’ve explained why the need for them. The child understands the need to obey, and she is allowed a measure of autonomy to make her own decisions in other spheres.
Research showed that the kids of these parents lied the least, and even if they did, they hid fewer areas than those from permissive homes.
If this comes as a bit of a surprise, it’s not too late to review your parenting style. Well-behaved parents have a better chance at nurturing well-behaved kids! Indeed, parenting is all about positive influence and reinforcement of things that matter in life. May I suggest majoring on the interior stuff – things of eternal value – and not the externals? Minor on appearances, and for your kid’s sanity (and your own) don’t sweat keeping up with your neighbours. Work on relationships, and not just rules. You get that right, and everything else falls into place.
4 Comments so far...
Jane Peris Says:
3 May 2010 at 8:00 am.
Very good article. Totally agree with the last paragraph. Personally, I find having good and consistent communication with my kids now at this stage of their life a key factor to nurturing them to be well rounded teens & adult. It’s becoming harder and harder to find time to be with them not so much that I don’t have the time, but more on their part. They have so much things to do that sometimes it takes creativity to get them to communicate. For my 2 boys, it’s at the sofa watching tv. That’s the best time to chat. For my girl, it’s when we go shopping or when we are cooking in the kitchen.
Anna Says:
3 May 2010 at 9:52 am.
Thanks for sharing and the reminder about where we should major and minor in parenting. I’ll have to check out that book too.
Joelle Says:
3 May 2010 at 9:28 pm.
Well said! “Work on relationships, and not just rules. You get that right, and everything else falls into place.” Nobody would run away from a home where he/she is loved dearly.
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