5 February 2010

The socialization bubble

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Socialization.

Every time homeschool crops up in a conversation, critics usually warn if we risk raising social misfits. “How would your kids learn social skills? They don’t mix around with other kids, don’t join team sports like we did in school?”

However it occurred to me that instead of comparing what kids in a conventional school enjoy (more friends, competitive sports, etc) and what homeschool kids purportedly miss (more friends, competitive sports, etc) we ought to consider the bigger issue of motivation.

Homeschool isn’t easy and it certainly isn’t a ticket to heaven. For many families, it means a single-income lifestyle, making do with less, taking more risks than one’s comfortable with. Still, the whole idea of educating one’s children at home does seem so left-field, so back-to-the-kampung it’s romantic. So what’s it worth then?

If you have to ask, those of us who homeschool are fairly sure that the good outweighs all that regular schooling promises. Like the story of the merchant who sold everything he owned to buy the pearl of great value: what he gave up was nothing compared to what he gained or stood to gain. He didn’t have to knead his forehead, and wistfully say that with house(s) and car(s) sold, bank accounts emptied, stocks and shares cashed out and used up, his popularity rating down to zip (that happens when people think you’re crazy), yeah, life would have been way cool if, you know, he had all that AND the one precious pearl too.

I’d like to think homeschoolers are just like that merchant in Jesus’ parable. Of course people who educate their children at home are no more saints than the next-door neighbours who do not. Like all normal human beings we’re not exempt from the dilemma of difficult choices. But we’re not disappointed that life’s unfair: you don’t get to tick all the boxes. No one gets everything they want anyway. It’s hard, but if you have to choose a few good things from among heaps of other good stuff, you do what you have to do and stick it out.

Homeschooling families in Malaysia know their children’s circle of same-age friends will invariably shrink, competitive sports will probably be out of reach, there will be no trinkets to win, and goodness, even fewer tales of derring-do and great achievements to regale one’s family and friends. But is that so bad?

In some ways, the myth of socialization comes pretty close to the oft-touted ‘wisdom of crowds,’ that wisdom naturally and usually reside on the side of the many. Now this, I’m not so sure. Take a look around and see what years of socialization have done for our youth. Juvenile crimes and vandalism are on the rise, and so is violence in schools. Parents lament the loss of respect for elders while employers wonder at the dearth of social skills among new hires. And let’s not even go near the ever widening ethnic divide in plural Malaysia.

So let me burst a few bubbles here:

• Children do not need lots of friends.
• More socialization does not lead to better social skills.
• Kids do not need to be constantly pumped up on activities.
• It is not the parents’ job to keep their children entertained.
• Competitive sports are not the only place for young people to learn teamwork.

But don’t take my word for it. Check out this piece by Danielle Olander. Another study by Dr Larry Shyers reports consistently fewer behavioral problems among homeschooled children, and this was because they “tend to imitate their parents while conventionally-schooled children model themselves after their peers.” The same study concludes: “The results seem to show that a child’s social development depends more on adult contact and less on contact with other children as previously thought.”

When you choose to homeschool your kids, it does not mean they give up socializing. God forbid that you lock them in the house all day! It simply means redefining priorities and deciding how and with whom you socialize. Never mind that you’ll have to put in a bit more effort to let your children interact outside the home. All the better to have them cultivate meaningful relationships with everyone, regardless of their station in life, colour or faith, young and old.

Here’s an opportunity to teach that life is more than meeting every felt need, social or material. It’s not about collecting friends and weighing what you can get out of all that socializing. When children learn that it is more blessed to give than receive, they have learnt the most important social skill of all.

*Photo: Unsocialized homeschoolers camp at Forest Reserve Institute Malaysia (FRIM)

5