21 May 2003

The Secret Lives of Mothers

Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Uncategorized.

First it was Andrea Yates. The troubled homeschool mom drowned all 5 of her children in a bathtub after a long struggle with postpartum depression. Now in what Newsweek magazine is calling “Yates Redux,” another homeschool mother is awaiting trial in Texas for killing her two young sons by crushing their heads and leaving the third with massive head injuries. The tragedy has shocked family and friends. Deana Laney, a seemingly demonstrative mom who was known to spend much time with her children says she killed her children “because God had told her to.”

The scene is too painful to imagine, and I get a knot in my stomach, a kind of dull ache in my head just thinking about it. What went wrong? Why?

In contrast, there is the story of Anne Ford, the daughter of automobile mogul Henry Ford II. In a recently published book titled, “Laughing Allegra” Ford, now 60, writes about raising her severely learning disabled daughter Allegra. One kindergarten after another had turned down the girl. When Allegra was 5 years old, a renowned pediatric psychologist advised that she be institutionalized in a home in London.

Confronted with a dilemma that wealth and privilege did not prepare her for, Ford wept uncontrollably for hours in a bathroom. As Ford says, “In the end, what good did (the money) do me?” When she calmed down, she simply said, “No,” to sending Allegra away and began a life journey that would change both daughter and mother. Today 31-year-old Allegra is an independent woman pursuing a career in early childhood education.

I do not pretend to understand what drives an apparently loving mother to kill her own children. In an imperfect world without fairy tale endings, who knows what dashes one mother’s hopes and drives another’s selflessness? Yet in the secret places of a mother’s heart, that which would break one mom makes another.

All of us who have ever experienced the love of mothers will appreciate how they gave up their dreams for those of their sons and daughters, not to mention their husbands. A journalist once asked my wife Sook Ching after listening to what she had to do to homeschool our sons: “So, what about your own life? Any regrets?”

An incredible weight already rests upon the shoulders of mothers who give up their lives for their families’ sakes. We dare not as husbands excuse ourselves as parents who have already done their part - bringing home the bacon, paying for dress and shelter – while leaving our wives to deal with our children all by themselves. As Dad and Mom, our children’s lives are in our hands. Sometimes literally, as the above stories illustrate.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Ephesians 5:25 (ESV)