Rebel Parents
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Parenting; Values on 5 Apr 2001.
How many times have you heard parents ask, “Where do you find the patience to teach your own children?” It is a question that usually arises after an admission by these same parents that they could never homeschool since they lack the necessary patience quotient. Some people have it, others don’t. Period. How do you manage staying in with these kids all day, anyway? Off to a learning center then, my darlings.
Parenting flows from the heart
Once a well-known columnist in a local paper wrote to me that parenting is something that flows from the heart; unless one loved children, parenting would be a horrible burden. How ‘lucky’ our kids to have parents who are not denying them their childhood. Her words echo those of a Christian leader who advised against being dogmatic about career mothers, since there are indeed women who just couldn’t cope otherwise. As observations go, you can’t fault that I suppose.
Not being a prickly pedant myself (besides being a man), I’ll say to each her own. After all what merit is there in a stay-in mother (or father) who’s either indulgent or indifferent, or worst, who’s both? Perhaps I’m trying too hard to be inclusive, but didn’t Paul say that while one man eats everything and another only vegetables, our heavenly Father accepts them both?
A few years ago at a talk on alternative education, a father came up to me and asked if homeschooling could reform his teenager. A hulking 14-year old and perpetual truant, he had defied instruction, discipline and authority at home and school. I didn’t know what to say except to caution that homeschool doesn’t do anything unless a child respects his parent’s authority first. That means working on discipline before academics.
Compare that with a mother whose 14-year old is presently enrolled in a learning center. She had been doing poorly in conventional schools leaving the flustered Mom to turn to a center that promised low teacher-student ratio and a more interesting English-based curriculum. Now, the daughter’s not doing so good there too. Mom doesn’t have the time, and confessed that she didn’t have the patience either to relate with her. So could we arrange for her daughter to interact with other homeschooling teens so she could pick up better habits?
I wish there was a magic wand to miraculously turn the hearts of children to their parents. You know, wave it, intone the magic words “h-o-m-e-s-c-h-o-o-l,” and viola! you’re on the cover of “Teaching Home.” Oh, did I use the wrong words? How about, “l-e-a-r-n-i-n-g c-e-n-t-r-e” ?
Personal investments for a happy home
The age of instant noodles and high-speed bandwidth connections has apparently given rise to the notion that parenting is a formula or system one can purchase off the shelf. Don’t have the right stuff? Get one that fits, pay someone to do it and praise God for small mercies. Sorry. As they say, no pain, no gain. The natural response may be to balk at the personal investment required to raise kids, but Scripture doesn’t soft-peddle God’s injunctions for happy homes.
Children come packaged and labeled with a divine RDA: 100% Love, 100% Patience, 100% Attention. Okay, I may be pushing the analogy a wee bit, but you get my drift: some things are non-negotiable. Parents have to obey His word, make the time, live exemplary lives, align our desires and ambitions with God’s will for our families. Deuteronomy 6 describes a parent’s job as a moment-by-moment responsibility, while in Ephesians 6, fathers are called not to exasperate their children but to instruct them in the Lord. There is no shortcut key. Imagine husband who desires a happy marriage but admits he doesn’t have time for his wife or the patience to make it work! It doesn’t get easier with children, homeschooling or not.
So Mom stays home and rules the roost as homemaker, homeschool teacher and all. But an absentee father, busy with work, church, or golf with neither inclination nor interest in his children’s affairs isn’t doing his family any favour. Recently we were shown a birthday card designed by a child for his father. Beautifully done on the computer with quotations and cartoons, it was a touching tribute from a son to a golf-loving Dad who by all accounts was a devoted parent and loving provider. Turning to the last page however I read, “Even if you don’t spend time with me, even though you’re too busy to remember my birthday, I still think you’re the best daddy in the world!” I put the card down, momentarily jarred by the irony of it all, thinking to myself how children are so wonderfully accepting.
Parents as rebels
Neil Postman in his new book Building A Bridge To The 18th Century writes that parenting is an act of rebellion. By that he means that parents must choose to go against the grain of our age. If we care for the lives of our children, we must rebel against these callous times, in much the same way husbands and wives pledge faithfulness in our throwaway culture, in opposition to a lifestyle of instant gratification. Why God doesn’t simply zap us into shape, make us great parents, turn toady kids into handsome princes and beautiful princesses (with a hasty S.O.S prayer) is anybody’s guess.
That an astute social critic should be so emphatic about the responsibility of parents embarrasses Christians who possess God’s word but dodge its demands. Perhaps the teaching of easy triumphalism has lulled us into forgetting that Jesus’ path to glory took him down the road to Calvary first. Homeschool is no genie-in-a-bottle promising compliant sons and daughters; education is not a set curriculum or teaching methodology. The way to healthy, godly children starts with a relationship, beginning with our own with God, and then with our young.
As we approach Palm Sunday, let our hosannas ring with humble appreciation for the price our heavenly Father paid to restore fellowship with us, His prodigal sons and daughters. Now, there’s an example too big to miss. We’re on a journey of a lifetime; the is not always clear, but the sun never fails to break through. Breezes blow, invigorating and hopeful. How good it is to have the Lord with us.
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