Coming full circle
Posted by DAVID BC TAN under: Guest Writer; Parenting on 4 Jul 2001.
GUEST WRITER: Celine Leong
It may be the year 2001, but one wonders if mothers in the new millennium are any more enlightened about motherhood than their mothers were. From the second half of the 20th century, women began to break free from the traditional paradigm of motherhood–that of being at home with the children.
Leading women activists were arguing for the right of mothers to find expression of identity and self-worth away from the kitchen sink. At the same time, women were getting more educated and gaining qualification in areas previously dominated by men. This led to a surge of women in the workforce.
Mothers found themselves juggling between their roles of primary carers of their children and shakers of the corporate world. While some worked for financial reasons, many were seeking self-fulfilment, and still others may have felt an irresistible urge to meet the challenge of trying to be a supermum.
One generation later, the typical working mother is now more stressed than ever, having to maintain the dual role of managing the household (albeit with the help of maids or in-laws, with their own set of problems) and being a conscientious employee.
Furthermore, she faces the mental pressure of guilt (about not spending enough time with the children), resentment (at having to sacrifice more than other members of the household) and sheer fatigue.
Instead of making huge strides in being liberated from the shackles of the past, women today are no closer to finding a satisfactory answer to the dilemma of spending quality time with family and advancing in their career.
Greater male participation in the sharing of household duties has been advocated but, in reality, this is unlikely to happen. For some, the only solution seems to be a compromise of postponing marriage and/or children. This, however, postpones rather than solves the problem, not to mention the additional battle with the biological clock.
Perhaps the underlying reason for the struggle to have it all is the slow but sure shift in values. In the past, children were a highly prized part of the community, with prosperity often being measured by the abundance of descendants.
However, the progress of the last century has brought with it the scourge of materialism. Children now compete with the other ornaments we accumulate to flaunt our status in society.Asians today will consider being childless if it means interfering with their lifestyle. In our unashamedly feverish acquisition of the symbols of success (cash, career, condo, etc), we often neglect our children.
Admittedly some mothers ease their conscience by decreasing their hours of work, but most are still reluctant to sacrifice their career for what is perceived as the menial task of child-rearing. The fear of isolation, low worth, insufficient intellectual stimulation and loss of financial independence are factors weighing against a woman’s decision to spend more time at home.
My own struggle with this issue arose when I had my first child 10 years ago. Could I (or should I) be a supermum? An achiever by nature, I was an engineering graduate with a rewarding career and an earning potential that exceeded that of my husband’s. Naturally I also wanted the best for my daughter. However, my husband had resigned from his position when I was pregnant, and although this had its advantages (he spent a lot of time with our newborn), the financial pressure we were under dictated my choice to continue work, at least on a part-time basis.
Eventually, acknowledging God as the originator of families, I began searching His blueprint for successful mothering.
What I discovered was the extremely high value He places on children, giving them to us as our heritage. A heritage, being more than a gift, is an inheritance that lasts forever. Therefore, the task of nurturing children is a privileged one, requiring focused attention and effort.
A mother who chooses to fulfil her destiny as the shaper of the next generation cannot fail to find significance in that role. Consider the ridiculous scenario of pitying poor Tiger Woods for being tied to the golf course, unable to party or enjoy =ife. One sees the arduous nature of his work, the constraints it puts on him and the sacrifices he has had to make along the way.
Yet he makes a deliberate choice to live that way because of the value he places on the attainment of golfing excellence. The trophies that await him motivate him to a lifestyle monotonous and restrictive to others, yet pleasurable and exciting in its ability to direct him towards his goals.
In a similar way, a mother who values her treasures in her home gladly makes the sacrifices needed to attain parental excellence. The trophies involved are that of children who are loving, mature and able to leave a positive mark on their society.
While not wanting to gloss over the complexities of this issue by giving trite answers, I can only testify of the freedom that came with pursuing full-time motherhood. No longer a mindless slave to the trends of society, I found myself released to follow what seems natural to a mother’s heart. Fears of entrapment, boredom and poverty proved to be unfounded. It has been an adventure of growth for mother and children alike.
Four children later, I am still relishing the joys of this lifestyle, meeting each crisis with the assurance of long-term rewards. Even through the unexpected death of my fourth child, Kyle, last November, I am able to be thankful for the privilege of having looked after him for his short lifespan of two years.
His departure has only confirmed the importance of relationships over possessions, hence the need to savour every moment with our little ones. While that is another story in itself, Kyle’s death has been a stark reminder of our mortality, adding to the resolve of parenting with eternal values in mind.
That, perhaps, is the ultimate challenge of parenting in the new millennium–having the courage to make the choices that will affect eternity.
About the writer: Celine Leong was born in KL, but she now lives with her family in Adelaide. This article was first published in The Star, 27 June, 2001, and then posted to HOMEFRONTIER subscribers.
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